Love's Delusion Read online

  “No, I know, but maybe try not to mention it when you’re inside me,” I snapped. Wow, that was exceedingly bad pillow talk. I turned away and sat on the side of the bed, facing the windows.

  We were quiet several minutes but then he cleared his throat and spoke. “You’re mad.”

  “Hurt,” I whispered, shaking my head. “This was perfect for me, almost like losing my virginity in a way because it wasn’t challenge sex or fucked up Zakasac shit done to me. I chose you and it was normal, we wanted this together sex, Xana. It wasn’t even over really and you had to go bringing up that you tried to kill me and ruin it. You ruined this for me. That hurts.”

  “I’m sorry,” he muttered as I felt the bed shift and then he wrapped his arms around me. “I was just thinking how I would take that back if I could, jumping to the conclusion I did. I could have lost you, this chance for us. I regret so much—not going with you on that outing, not talking to you sooner, lots of things. I didn’t mean to ruin this.”

  “I know,” I sighed, leaning back against him. “Please let go what happened that day. I need you to, Xana. It wasn’t you being a stupid giant in my mind. You were thinking with your heart like a gentle giant and you know I would never want to be one of them so you tried to give me peace. Matteo saw more because he could see auras. Would I have preferred you to have thought to call him or another person to back up what you thought was going on? Yes, but hindsight always shows us more. It’s over. I’m trying to move on.”

  “And you can’t if I can’t.”

  “No and we can’t if we’re to be a we,” I added, hanging my head. “And I wanted us to be a we I think.”

  “I know I do.”

  “Then please no more bringing up trying to kill me when we’re naked, deal?”

  “Yeah, a very fair one,” he chuckled, kissing my neck. “How can I make up such an egregious error to you?”

  I moaned and scooted back against him. “I’m sure you can be creative.”

  Oh boy, was he ever. Xana definitely wasn’t a dumb giant when it mattered.

  5 Xana

  The next few days might have been some of the best of my life. Gilroy was doing better, shaking off what happened to him—mostly because of his video chats with Cadric, Helios’s trauma psychologist friend—but he gave me a lot of credit too. I wasn’t sure I deserved it, but since it was bringing us closer together, I wasn’t stupid enough to seriously argue against my favor.

  Who did that?

  I also got to see exactly how big Gilroy’s heart was. I’d always seen glimpses, but now that I was at his side, it was so much more apparent. Little things that could only be because of who he was and the good soul he had.

  Like trying to slip his hand into mine that morning on the way into the cafeteria, and without thinking, I stuck mine in my pocket. I knew he thought I wasn’t a fan of public displays of affection but it truly wasn’t that.

  He stopped, cleared his throat, and moved off to the side so a scene wasn’t made. “How about I pretend you didn’t just reject my affectionate gesture, and you try taking my hand, maybe working through your PDA issues for me today, and I’ll come visit you at lunch today and give you a treat—with my mouth.” His eyes were sparkling with mirth, no hurt or condemnation for the way I’d acted.

  Gilroy was that sweet and understanding.

  I felt the air rush out of my lungs when I realized he was talking about blowing me on shift up in the guard tower. I growled, pinning him against the wall for anyone to see in the hall outside the cafeteria. “It’s not the PDA, baby.”

  “Then what is it?” he panted, staring up at me with wide eyes. I hadn’t been this aggressive with him where anyone could see us.

  I smirked down at him. “That answer might make you late for your shift and make you walk a little funny since you teased me with promises that got me hard.” He simply nodded, his mouth hanging open at my audacity. In a flash I dragged him to the bathroom just off the cafeteria and had him up on the counter. “I don’t like being part of the rumor mill.”

  “Okay, so it’s not that you’re unaffectionate but you don’t like the gossip it causes with all the nosey people here,” he muttered, frowning.

  Yeah, it sounded bad when he said it too… Like he wasn’t worth that.

  I shook my head, unzipping the ankles of his running pants so they easily came off over his sneakers when I yanked them off him seconds later—along with his boxer briefs. Gilroy went back to staring at me with wide eyes as I spread his legs apart, moving his feet onto the counter as I moved my hand to his ass…

  And moaned. “Baby, why are you wearing a butt plug?”

  “I was going to come visit you at lunch anyways.” He shrugged, not seeming as happy about the idea now. That was the last thinking I wanted so I yanked out the toy, smiling when he gasped.

  “Is this mine? All mine?” I murmured as I rubbed my fingers over his hole, before pushing one in to make sure he was slick enough. His chest hitched and he nodded. “Are you sure? You haven’t seemed all that sure, baby, like you’re coming around to the idea we’re together but you might also shut down and run again at any moment.”

  I saw understanding light up his eyes. “I’m with you, Xana. This is real for me. I’m not just playing or experimenting with how I feel, I swear. I wouldn’t have crossed the line into sex if I wasn’t sure.”

  I nodded as I yanked down the front of my pants and pulled out my finger, pushing my cock to his hole. “You’re sure? You’re mine?” He smiled and licked his lips before giving me a quick bob of the head. I thrust in hard, wanting to throw him off his expectations. “Good, because I know you heard it in my dream, but I do love you, Gilroy. So if you want me to hold your hand or carry you around, I will and adore every second of it. I just couldn’t do it until I knew it was real.”

  “It’s real, but I’m not there yet,” he muttered, his eyes a little wild at my admission.

  “I know and I’m not pushing you to be. I simply wanted you to know this wasn’t about me not being able to be affectionate with you or wanting to be whatever you needed, desired, or always there for you. I simply can’t be in the rumor mill for a fling if you weren’t sure or were testing the waters. I like to stay below the radar. But you said you’re mine and that made it time to tell you that it’s always been you for me.” I reached out and cupped his cheek as I pushed in further. “I mean it, no matter what or who I’ve been with or—”

  “You were certainly the reason we broke up,” Jeston chuckled from behind me. I flinched, cursing myself for not having had paid better attention to who was in the bathroom with us.

  “What?” Gilroy gasped, all the desire and flush leaving his face so fast I was a little shocked he didn’t faint.

  “He didn’t tell you?” Jeston drawled, clucking his tongue as he moved up next to us, washing his hands as he stared at my dick inside Gilroy. “Xana and I were together for some time, but then we broke up right after Roarke got here, both of us realizing we were settling for each other while still fighting to get your attention and date you.”

  “That’s what Manny meant about me being a chew toy and tug-of-war,” Gilroy rasped, looking so distraught I thought he might melt right there. He pushed at my chest but I shook my head.

  “It’s not like that. Let me explain,” I begged.

  “Not while you’re inside me and he’s watching!” he screeched at an octave I’d never heard him make, his chest heaving. Even Jeston moved back, eyes wide at Gilroy’s reaction. It startled me so much that when I slowly pulled out and Gilroy shoved at me, I stumbled back, my dick yanking out none-too-gently. Then Gilroy hurried to yank on his pants, that wild, freaked look still in his eyes.

  “Baby, talk to me,” I whimpered when he tried to dart out the door, and I jumped in his way, righting my own pants so he wasn’t reminded what we’d been about to do.

  “Fuck you,” he choked out, wrapping his arms around his stomach, like he was trying not to vomit. “Fuck y
ou both. You say you liked me and you thought the best time to start finally acting on it besides bringing me broken electronics was after everything I went through with the Zakasacs?”

  “No, this is real,” I swore as I reached for him. He shifted away as if my touch might sear him somehow. I dropped my hand and glanced at Jeston for some help for the mess he’d started but he was only standing there frozen with his mouth hanging open. “This is not just some competition, Gilroy.”

  “Yeah, of course it’s not. I can totally believe that because you told me the truth about you and Jeston and it wasn’t just him busting you when he thought you won.” He shoved past me and to the door, his words knocking me off balance enough that a feather could have pushed me over right then so his six-two frame wasn’t so little to me for once.

  I spun after him but the door shut in my face and I stared at it a few moments.

  “Xana, I’m so sorry,” Jeston finally whispered. “I had no idea I would set him off like that.”

  “I’m going to kill you,” I hissed, turning on him. “You selfish bastard!”

  “Hey now,” he murmured, holding his hands out in front of him. “I was just trying to cock block, pissed you were having sex in the bathroom I was in. How could you not smell me in here? It was a bitch move on your part.”

  “You think I would ever have done it if I’d known you were in here?” I roared, my fangs and claws coming out. He circled away from me like he was trying to get me away from the door but instead I leapt at him, murder in my heart. Jeston ducked out of the way and booked it towards the door as I crashed into the stall. The metal broke under me and I heard what sounded like one of the toilets cracking under it before water started shooting everywhere but I didn’t care.

  I had someone to maim.

  Pushing off the stall wall, I slid back to my feet and did a nice gliding act on the already wet floors as I hurried to catch up with Jeston. I ripped the door off the hinges, throwing it to the ground in the hallway as I stormed out of there.

  I locked eyes with him in the cafeteria, talking with Helios and Alexander. Even they wouldn’t save him.

  “You’re dead. I will kill you!” I bellowed as I hurried towards him. “You didn’t tell him everything like we weren’t serious or you had a wandering eye or you were sniffing after more than just Gilroy!”

  “I’m sorry, okay?” Jeston yelled, darting behind a table with wide eyes.

  “Dude, you need to chill,” Helios bitched, looking tired and not in the mood for this as he stepped in my way.

  “Stay out of this,” I snarled, not even slowing down.

  He shot me a smirk. “Xana, I like you and I get Jeston was a dick, but I don’t want to have to—”

  I thrust out my hand to his chest, not even blinking or flinching when he went flying.

  “I warned you not to be arrogant with him,” Alexander sighed as he rubbed the back of his neck, making sure to step out of my way. “Xana, please don’t kill Jeston.”

  “He ruined everything with Gilroy just to be a jealous ass. He hurt him, messed with his head because he thought I was having sex with the man I love because he was there. Anyone who knows me knows I’m more private than that. I’m not that mean.”

  “You’re right, you’re not,” Jeston agreed, glancing over at Helios as he kept moving, keeping the table between us. “I’m sorry. I got miffed. I’ll talk to Gilroy and set him straight. No matter what, he needs to know this wasn’t some game or tug-of-war. We both like him. I didn’t know you love him.”

  “Okay, someone explain to me how he was able to knock me over like that,” Helios groaned from the ground.

  “Yeah, I’d like to know before he kills me,” Jeston mumbled, glancing at Alexander with worried eyes. That was all the opening I needed. I leapt over the table, grabbing Jeston by the throat and flipping him over so he landed on another table several yards away.

  The post-trans who had been sitting there were now completely awake as they jumped up.

  I stormed over to Jeston, ignoring his groans and cuts from the plates he landed on.

  “Old friend, you do not want to do this,” Alexander counseled as he moved in front of me, but walking backwards so he didn’t get the same treatment as Helios. “Please, let us go talk with Gilroy. I will vouch for how you feel for him and that he would never be a game to you. You do not have such a callous way about you.”

  I flinched and met Alexander’s eyes. “He should have known that. I love him and he said we were real. He should have known I’d never play him. Was I the fool to love him? I was there when he just wanted to feel safe, not asking for any more. That’s not someone who plays a person.”

  “I know,” a soft, sad voice said behind me. “That was what I realized after I had a moment to think away from you both, but then you came in here ready to kill and I froze.” I spun around and Gilroy took a step back, his eyes wide. “Please put the fangs and claws away, Xana. Don’t hurt Jeston because he was stupid.”

  “Why are you scared of me?” I demanded, stepping towards him. This time he didn’t flinch or move though.

  “Not scared, shocked, and I don’t know what your gift is,” he mumbled, glancing up at me. “Confused maybe. This whole thing is confusing and I feel all over the place. We were good then it was like the floor came out from under me again with what you said, then I dropped a whole building of floors falling under me with what he said when we were in a compromising position and then this and—”

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered as I let myself return to normal.

  “I know.” He stared up at me, and I really did see a lot of confusion in his eyes. “I would have come back. You deserve to know that. I was upset and on too many roller coasters lately.”

  “That’s fair,” I agreed, moving closer. I sighed when he leaned in and rested his head on my chest, letting me know he was open to a hug.

  I gladly gave it and kissed his hair.

  “Seriously, I want to know how you were able to do that,” Helios demanded from our right, ruining the moment.

  “We were making up here,” Gilroy snarled before I could. He pulled away from me and blocked me from Helios, crossing his arms over his chest. “You know what? Screw you. I was nice because I respect Rune, but you’re being a pompous, all knowing, I am Wyrok, hear me roar kinda dick. Obviously Alexander knows Xana’s gift and that’s the only person who needs to know at this camp. You’re not in charge here.”

  “I know that,” Helios muttered, studying Gilroy as if he was looking for signs of a mental breakdown or something. “But the man did just assault me.”

  “I’d say it was smugly deserved,” Gilroy snapped. “You’re not the boss of all of us. Even Alexander—who is—is more respectful and a team player. I’m tired of your shit and—”

  “Enough,” Alexander cut in, staring at Gilroy as if he’d grown another head. “I’ve never seen you like this. This is about more than Helios’s ego before coffee. We’re all on the same side here, Gilroy.”

  “Are we?” Gilroy shot back, turning on him. “Seriously, we are?”

  “What do I not know?” I asked, finally realizing I had to be if I was this lost.

  “They still won’t let me see Winston’s journal,” he answered, staring down Alexander. “It’s about me and what happened to me but still I’m not allowed to read it. I’m out of the investigation even.”

  “What?” I seethed, glancing between the two of them.

  “Look, Cadric thinks—” Helios started, running his hand over his head.

  “Cadric warned it could make things worse for me,” Gilroy bitched, cutting his hands like an X in front of him. “We’ve been over this. Not knowing is driving me nuts. I have pieces missing. I wake up seeing Kevin dead, huge gaps in my memory, no details as to why, and then you guys coming, all the aftermath. I need to know.”

  “Helios, let him see it,” Rune ordered from a good distance away. I glanced over and saw rage on the man’s face, directed a
t his mate.

  “Rune, this isn’t your—” Helios started to argue gently.

  “Fuck you. Gilroy is one of my people,” Rune snarled, a rare showing of anger I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen on the man as he slowly walked over to us, as if trying to hold himself together. “You don’t know what it’s like not to trust your own mind. I do. Let him see it, or so help me god, you and I will have a problem. Hell, we’re going to for not telling me this when I asked you how things were going with a member of my team. This Wyrok secrecy shit has to end. We’re on the same side.”

  “Thank you, Rune,” Gilroy sighed, his shoulders relaxing.

  “You’re welcome, buddy. Come to me next time. You always can, even if I’m distracted and have my head in something. My people come first.” Rune shot his mate another evil look, waiting until Helios nodded, and then turned away, heading back to the coffee station.

  “I was just trying to help,” Helios muttered. “I’ve lived a long, long time, Gilroy. I know how the things we think can help most likely end up making everything worse. It wasn’t Wyrok secret shit. I didn’t want to see you hurt any more.”

  Gilroy took a deep breath in and nodded. “I get that but every situation, every person, is different. I’m a logic, fact-based person—a computer geek. I can’t not have all the info to find my way out of a problem. Maybe it won’t help, but not knowing is a problem for me too.”

  “Okay, but don’t read it alone,” he warned, glancing at me. “Make sure you have the support system in place to be there for you when you read what happened to you.”

  And just like that, it hit me. “You were waiting for one part of his life to be more stable before you risked another rug being pulled out from under him.”

  “Yes.”

  “Good plan,” Gilroy conceded, folding his hands and resting them on top of his head. “Except it’s hard to stabilize any part of a system when the mainframe doesn’t know which way is up.”

  “I actually got that now that I’ve been mated to Rune,” Helios chuckled. “I’ll get it to you after I’m done groveling to my mate.”