Love's Nudging Read online

  “You are not hearing me. I am not playing a game or lying here.”

  “And I don’t molest people in their sleep,” I bellowed. “You’ve initiated, begged me, and more.”

  “I—I, no, I mean, I had dreams…” He gave me a scared look. “Did we have sex?”

  I bit back the urge to lose my temper, knowing he was actually upset. Maybe today had dislodged a trauma or his fears were piling up? “Cool your head and get some sleep. We will speak in the morning.”

  “Wait, did we have sex?” he demanded, grabbing my arm when I moved for my clothes. I easily shook him off and left with my belongings faster than either of them could track. I was seconds from letting my temper out, and if he was having some sort of breakdown, it would only hurt him.

  Like he was hurting me right then.

  And everything got so much worse when I walked into the cafeteria the next morning.

  “What will it take for someone to care that he breaks into my room?” Mark demanded. “I’ve asked for a better lock and help when it was pranks, but no one cared, it was funny, right? Now I’m getting molested or raped in my sleep and—”

  “Enough,” I snarled, storming over to him. “There are limits to my patience even if you suffered a trauma, Markham.”

  The rage in his eyes was thick, making me stumble a step. “The only trauma I’ve suffered lately is you. Did we have sex? Why won’t you answer me?”

  “All I’m getting is confusion and hurt off of him,” the empath told one of Markham’s friends. “I can’t read Mark, but something isn’t right here.”

  “Let’s take this somewhere private,” Lance suggested.

  Mark spun around on his friend. “Why isn’t anyone taking this more seriously?”

  “We are,” Wally promised. “We just also know how you are when asleep.”

  “I don’t understand,” Mark admitted, losing some of his anger.

  “Dude, let’s take this private, okay?” Wally pushed. “You’re spiraling, and I’ve never seen you do that before. We’re in the cafeteria, it’s getting busy, and people know who you are now.”

  He scrubbed his hands over his head before nodding. “Yeah, okay, sorry, I was scared to sleep, and I needed a new reason not to sleep like never.”

  “What is going on?” Danek asked under his breath.

  “I have not a clue,” I admitted, wondering if maybe this wasn’t a game or trick he was pulling on me.

  “I don’t want him here,” Mark rasped as I followed them into the conference room. “This is just another one of his games. He pokes and pokes and pokes until I snap. Fine, I snapped. Can he just leave me alone now? Seriously, fucking with someone in their room at night who has horrible nightmares because of a trauma is the lowest kind of person.”

  His words hurt worse than probably any wound from a sword or weapon I’d ever had in all of my years. I rubbed my hand over my chest, realizing how much I’d done wrong when all I wanted was to help him, be a part of his life.

  “We didn’t have sex,” I promised. “But you were willing. I did not force you to do anything. I thought… You reacted… You weren’t out to your family, so of course you wouldn’t publicly admit to a relationship but—”

  “Stop,” Wally interjected, cutting me off as he moved Mark to sit in one of the chairs. “Dude, we thought you knew how you are when you sleep. I mean, we knew about the nightmares, we just got the why wrong.”

  Nate waved off Mark’s question. “The week you came here a pre-trans died. That was the first night you had a nightmare. We thought you had them—like the rest of us—about surviving your transition. We get now that it was more complicated and layered but, Mark, you have night terrors and sleep walk and sleep talk and have full conversations with us.”

  “You’ve never told me that,” he whispered, giving them shocked looks.

  “We have,” Wally sighed. “But you always brushed it off or said you were just sleep deprived. We only shared a room that one year, and then we got our own rooms, so I didn’t really think of it.” He reached over and rubbed Mark’s arm. “I swear to you that you act like it though. We thought you were messing with us, but one time you were sitting there playing Call of Duty with an imaginary controller and no TV.”

  “So I was sleep sexing?” he asked, giving his friends a look like that was insane.

  I felt the same, but then maybe it wasn’t so out there given how he acted the rest of the time. I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at my feet. “You mentioned dreams. What do you remember?”

  “Wait, don’t start with that,” Wally argued.

  I heard fingers snap, and Nate tried another way. “Do you ever have a dream about us dressing up in feetie pajamas?”

  “Yes,” Mark muttered. “Yeah, right after Lance had his transition. He was such an asshole back then and soooo sophisticated, we joked about him being done and doing stupid stuff. I had a dream about it.”

  “Yeah, you woke up at like one in the morning and stumbled to the bathroom and said the pajamas were too hard to get undone. Then you came out wiggling and showing us your onesie moves, which was what you called them.”

  I glanced up in time to see Mark’s face flush every shade of red as he moved his hand over his face. “You guys are assholes for not having told me this for real.”

  “Hey, you brushed us off,” Nate reminded him. “And I tried to show you the video I took—”

  “Delete, delete it now,” Mark begged.

  “After you see it to really believe us,” Nate argued.

  “I believe you. You guys wouldn’t fuck with me on something like this.”

  “Right, but I’ve shown I would,” I whispered, feeling his words like another wound. “I apologize for my pranks. You are absolutely right that messing with someone who has nightmares and scaring them with breaking into their room is the lowest kind of person.”

  “You didn’t realize,” Danek defended as I turned to go for the door. He grabbed my arm and kept me there. “Come on, you apologized already, and now you get it. We came up in a different time, and the only way to survive sometimes was to face your traumas and issues. It showed love to push people and help them. You just picked the wrong way. That’s way different than molesting him or rape.”

  “He’s right,” Mark agreed quietly. “You didn’t push when I deflected you from touching me. I’m sorry. You got so angry and accused me of playing games that it seemed…”

  I swallowed my pride, accepting the apology and reaching over the divide. “I’d still like to spend the day with you if you’re willing.”

  “Okay.”

  I gave him an easy smile, determined to show him I was much more than the impression I’d given him so far. How? I had no clue, but I would try.

  7

  My mind was reeling. Those dreams had been real. All that passion and everything I’d felt had been real. Or at least real to the sleeping me. So really, how much of it was real?

  And how did I make up for accusing him of being a rapist or molester?

  “I swear I won’t come to your room uninvited again,” Bricius said quietly.

  I flinched, realizing I’d been lost in my head and ignoring him. I focused back on my breakfast and nodded. “Thank you.” I cleared my throat and decided to give him more than that. “It’s been a fear of mine since I was young too. You read in so many histories about people breaking into castles and taking out the royals. I know we could handle any humans, but others haven’t, and it was scary as a child.”

  “Because your parents were always traveling,” he filled in, nodding when I did. “I truly didn’t connect the dots of how my prank would impact you.” He wiped his mouth with his napkin. “And also I want to clarify that I wasn’t reserving you like to mate. I found you too reserved. I had no intention of looking for a relationship, especially so soon after waking, but you changed my mind.”

  I sat with that a moment. “I’m glad we’re clearing the air. Thank you for explaining. I w
ish I had been able to articulate what I was feeling sooner.”

  “Mark, if you keep looking so sad and lost, I’m going to kiss you,” he warned.

  “I missed our first kiss,” I whispered, my heart hurting at the idea for some reason. Here I wasn’t sure I even liked the man, but it upset me that I’d missed our beginning.

  He shrugged. “I heard you had some dreams that I’d like to make a reality.”

  “So just like that you can move on?”

  He gave me a kind smile. “I’ve lived so, so many years, and you forget lots, and that’s okay. New moments replace the old ones that you’ve lost attachment to. For me, it’s not remembering every moment but savoring that there will be more moments. We could have a zillion first of everything. Every time we kiss somewhere new or enjoy each other. I do not mourn you didn’t feel the first.”

  “So what do you feel?” I heard myself ask before my brain could stop me.

  “I want to show you the chemistry we have and how good it was because even asleep it was magical, so I very much want to see how much better it is if you’re awake.”

  I bobbed my head as I finished my breakfast, putting all the wrappers in the bag. We’d taken sandwiches and coffee to go, eating it in the barn with the wood saws and more. It was one of my favorite places in winter at the camp. It had history and also memories but still sat forgotten most times.

  “Will you show me everything we did?” I whispered, worried he really didn’t still want me after what I’d done.

  What I’d accused him of.

  “Are you sure?” he checked after a moment.

  I nodded, and suddenly we weren’t in the barn. I blinked, and we were already at the dorm. I barely had time to gasp and we were standing in front of my room. “So, glad you’re excited, but um, that made me feel a bit sick.”

  “Sorry, I forgot how young you are,” he admitted, rubbing my back when I leaned my hand on the wall. “It’s been so long I forget a lot of such things.”

  I heard him loud and clear, but I didn’t know how to help him with that or if there was a way to given I didn’t know what “such things” were.

  He found my keys in my pocket and opened the door. “May I come in?”

  “Sure,” I agreed, letting him go in first before I locked up behind us. I tossed my garbage and then grabbed a ginger ale from the fridge.

  “It really made you sick?” he worried.

  “Um, no, but I’ve been stressed and had a lot going on, so it’s not like we get sick but—it’s more mental sometimes. Ginger ale just makes things better. It settles me in a way that’s more than my stomach. You moving like that just made my stomach lurch after and my head swim. I’ll be fine in a minute.”

  “I really do just muck everything up,” he grumbled, scrubbing his hand over his head in an endearing way.

  I shrugged as I went into my room. “I thought it was nice you were excited since I was worried I’d fucked everything up. Or how weird I am did because that’s a serious level of weird.”

  “We are all weird,” he chuckled. “I’m quite possibly the oldest being on the planet. Yeah, the typical range of normal goes right out the window.”

  “Fair enough.” I took a long sip and then set it on the nightstand before taking off my jacket. I sat on my bed, rubbing my hand over my forehead, lost in my thoughts again.

  “Maybe now is not the time to push you,” he worried.

  “Huh?” I asked, looking up at him. I winced when I noted how he was watching me and I wasn’t exactly being all that welcoming. “Sorry. I do want to know but… I’ve never experienced anything like my dreams, and I keep going round and round if that’s why it was good and what else have I done and my brain is—”

  Bricius stormed over to me and grabbed my chin, leaning in and kissing me when I looked at him. It was soft, gentle.

  And then it wasn’t. He moved away, and we stared at each other, both of us a bit breathy.

  “That was much better than the first one,” he whispered and yanked off his jacket as he straddled my lap, pushing me back to the bed. “You are so fucking sexy that I cannot stand it. I cannot stand how so many watch you, want you. You drive me insane even as you push me and make someone as old as me trip all over himself.”

  I wasn’t sure what I would have said in reply, but he kissed me, and I didn’t get a chance to. My body felt on fire as his lips attacked mine, his tongue pushing in my mouth as he fisted my hair.

  It was better than the dreams.

  I fisted his shirt and ripped it off of him, rolling us so he was under me, stopping just long enough to get off my own shirt so our chests were naked. His hands seemed to map out every inch of me, and it made me feel lightheaded, his touch was so good. I caught his hands and pinned them over his head, which seemed to amuse him.

  “Shut it,” I growled against his lips. “I’m seconds from demanding you get on your knees and suck me off to apologize for scaring the shit out of me.”

  “I normally hate aggressive men, but for some reason you rob me of my normal ego,” he breathed, giving me a confused look. “Let me suck you, Mark. Let me kneel before you and show you I will take care of you. Let me take care of you as I’ve been trying to.”

  I swallowed emotions that tried to choke me. Hadn’t I always wanted that? Not just as a child, but as a teenager and adult. I wanted someone to put me first because they saw me, wanted me, not Prince Markham or whatever mask I wore.

  “Will you really let me take you? You said that before, right?”

  He slowly nodded. “I like it now and again. I prefer to ride a lover if I’m not topping but don’t really care. None of that matters to me. For all of my faults, that is not one of them.”

  I nodded. “I’ve always topped. I’m not against bottoming, I just haven’t. Obviously my experience isn’t what yours is.” I realized something and flinched. “Wait, you like women, right?”

  He gave me a kind smile. “Yes, I generally like the female form more than the male one, but it’s the person, not the package that makes me want them.” He gave me that sexy smirk that made my stomach do flops. “I’ll be gentle with you until you’re used to it, but then I will rock your world in a way you never thought possible.”

  I felt my entire body flush. Zibon and Rune had both mentioned that there was so much only an ancient could do and it was out of this world. I wanted that. I wanted out of this world like I’d never had.

  Rolling us to stand, I got undressed in record time, glad when he did too. Then I pushed on his shoulders, a confidence I didn’t understand filling me. Bricius wanted to suck my dick on his knees. The Bricius wanted to do that to me.

  Who the fuck said no to that?

  It felt so good when he took me in his mouth. I mean so good I could have melted. And he knew what he was doing, way better than anyone I’d ever been with before, and I didn’t know that was something that could get that much better. And it had been so long for me that it was so much more.

  But it didn’t feel right in my heart. I stared into his sexy orange eyes, seeing emotions I wanted aimed at me but wasn’t feeling. I’d said it to be bratty, and he was trying to show me how he felt, but I wasn’t open to that, right? I didn’t like him.

  Right?

  “Wait, I’m—” I moaned when I got close, trying to pull away. He moved his hands to my ass and held me in place, probably thinking I was simply trying to warn him. “Stop.”

  He instantly pulled off of me with a naughty slurp… And I finished all over his face. I couldn’t control it, that last pull and suction too much, and I had one of the best orgasms in my life.

  “I’m so sorry,” I panted, staring at him in horror. “I was—that wasn’t—I didn’t want to—I shouldn’t—” Apparently I just couldn’t get my mouth to work. I reached over for my shirt, plopping on the bed before sliding to my knees in front of him. I cleaned off his face, not meeting his gaze. “Sorry.”

  “Why are you sorry? I offered,” he murmure
d, leaning his forehead against mine when I was done.

  “I didn’t want it for the right reasons,” I whispered, feeling about two inches tall.

  But he just chuckled. “I know, and I’m fine with it. You wouldn’t have let someone you found hideous do it. You’re attracted to me, and the rest can come.” He rubbed his hands over my arms. “Maybe just not yet. I think you’ve had too many hits where this was not distracting but made you spin out.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed, thinking that was fairly accurate.

  We stood, and he slid in bed, patting the spot next to him. “I do not wish to lose this closeness, but let us simply talk. You said you wanted to clear things up, so let us do that.”

  I bobbed my head, not able to come up with another idea on my own. I crawled in after him, and he pulled me against him, snuggling together as he fixed the covers. “Sorry. I had a moment to realize it was the Bricius offering and like wow, and then I spun out because I wouldn’t ever want someone to accept me because of that and I know others have.”

  “Others have,” he breathed, hugging me closer. “I understand. If I tell you a secret, will you tell me one?” He waited until I nodded. “I found out not long after I met Jordan that covens were forcing many of their members to accept us. If someone Wyrok showed interest and they refused us, they would be thrown out of the coven, and back then it was certain death.”

  “That’s horrible,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Thank you. No one ever said that to us. They made us the villains like we demanded it. How would we know? We traveled constantly because it took so long to get anywhere back then. It was miserable, and the one perk was that when we stopped at a coven or castle we had fans. It’s probably shallow to admit that, but it was darker, harder times.”

  “No, I think I get it,” I comforted. “I always had problems with people just wanting my bloodline or name. You’ve done amazing things to earn your reputation and fame. I can see the difference.”

  “It’s why most of us never realized there was more to it. It’s why my other children do not acknowledge me, only Jordan. To the others, I’m the villain. To Jordan, while he prefers to make his own path and be more than the son of Bricius, we were both victims of what happened to his mother. She truly chose to be with me, and he’s always been clear on that. The others apparently not.”