Love's Indecision Read online

  "It wasn't just the sex," I whispered, clutching onto my friend as if he was the only thing real in my world. "I didn't realize I was doing it, but I was licking his neck as if to prepare to mate him. Nate told me to bite him, make him mine forever, and that snapped me out of it."

  Dimitri didn't say anything, just kept rubbing my back as if waiting for me to continue.

  "Once you've had the urge to bite your mate, it won't go away," Alexander said from the doorway. "Believe me, I know."

  "How long have you been there?" I asked, looking up from Dimitri's shoulder.

  "Long enough to know you're struggling with the same thing I did," he answered, looking at his feet. "I'm sorry I was eavesdropping, but I was looking for my mate. When I saw him in your arms I almost came in and ripped off your head."

  "I was just comforting my friend," Dimitri said, not letting me go.

  "I realized that and calmed down," Alexander replied nodding. "But when I heard what you were talking about, it was like hearing my own thoughts from a few months ago. I didn't even mean to stand here and listen, but it was like I couldn't leave."

  "I'm not upset, Alexander," I answered moving out of Dimitri's arms. "You're right. If anyone understands where I'm at, it's you."

  "Thank you," he replied, sitting in of the chairs. I watched him rub his chin, as if thinking on how to proceed. "I agree our circumstances are different, Nate being pretrans and all. But, you need to have enough faith in the man you love to talk to him, Matteo. Nate is a good man, he deserves to know how you're feeling."

  "You mean, tell him I think I'm just some washedup warrior not worthy of him?" I asked chuckling. "Oh yeah, I can see that conversation going well."

  "Hey, that's my best friend you're talking about," Dimitri said, smacking me upside the head. "I think Alexander means telling Nate about your fears of him changing his mind after his transition."

  "As always, you are very astute, my love," Alexander replied as he smiled at his mate. How I longed to have someone look at me like Alexander was staring at Dimitri, as if his whole life was wrapped up in my best friend. "Your concerns are valid; while Nate is a man and not a child, he will be different after his transition. That doesn't mean it can't work out between the two of you, it's just something you have to address."

  "Neither of you think it's wrong for me to have been with a student?" I asked, looking between the both of them. "How can you not hate me? I hate myself for what I did."

  "It's one thing if you were just fucking your way through the class," Dimitri answered, looking at me with so much sympathy it almost hurt. "But you love Nate."

  "Which is why it can't ever happen again," I replied.

  "But you need to tell him why," Alexander said, reaching for Dimitri. They clasped hands and turned back to me. "Trying to get Nate to hate you isn't the way to handle this. I almost destroyed Dimitri, and myself, by making that mistake. We were lucky I finally pulled my head out of my ass, mainly because of your help, Matteo. Don't make the same mistake I did."

  "Thank you," I answered, nodding. "I'll think about what you said, I promise."

  "Good, because I'm really concerned about Nate's state of mind," Dimitri said as he pulled Alexander to his feet. "I can attest to the fact that the grief Nate is going through will swarm him like nothing else."

  "I told him us being together was a mistake. I hurt him, just as Alexander said, thinking that if he hated me it would be easier for him," I stated, looking at my feet.

  "God, Matteo," Dimitri sighed. "I know you're hurting, and that you thought what you were doing was the best thing for him. But I've been on the receiving end of that sort of thing and I can tell you, it made me feel as if life wasn't worth living."

  "I'll fix this, I promise," I replied, remembering how badly Alexander pushing Dimitri away had hurt him. It was stupid of me to ever think it was the right way to handle Nate. Both men looked me over before nodding, and then they turned and left my office.

  I sat down in the chair behind my desk, ready to do some serious thinking, but just then, my phone rang. I answered it. "Yeah?"

  "Matteo, it's Rune," the man said into the other end of the line. "Lance just started his transition. Tonight's his birthday."

  "Alright, I'm on my way," I replied, hanging up the phone. As much as I hated the little shit, the transition was horrible and painful. I stood up, grabbing my bag before locking up my office and heading towards the infirmary.

  The camp had housing for the warriors, which was like a mansion where we all lived in our own private suites. There were also the student dorms, which were like dorm rooms at a college. Then it had several gyms, the mess hall, infirmary, the arena, and quite a few obstacle courses for training.

  The warrior camp isn't like ancient warrior camps were, though there are still some of the old traditions. It's more like a human military base, but it comes complete with battles for dominance as of old. A warrior can challenge another for several reasons. One being to show they are now stronger and willing to fight for a higher rank amongst us. Or it could just be an everyday argument that results in a challenge.

  Whatever the reason is for one to occur, challenge fights are not like normal sparring, ever. It's all about dominance and who is stronger, better. You can either take the challenge, or yield. If someone yields they acknowledge their opponent as superior, and higher in ranking, than themselves. If a challenge is accepted the combatants fight until someone is defeated. The loser not only gives their rank to the winner, but their body as well.

  To put it bluntly, the winner has the right to fuck the loser. It's a part of the older traditions, showing the winner is not only the strongest and best, but also demeaning the loser in public, stripping them of their rank and dignity. It's hard to hold onto any shred of pride when you lose a fight and immediately get fucked on your hands and knees in front of all the spectators.

  Reaching the dorms, I snapped back into the present and jogged up to the infirmary. With the workouts the pretrans, post-trans, and warriors went through daily a state-ofthe-art medical facility was a must have. When I got to the main room of the infirmary, which was also used as a trauma room, I could see Lance strapped down to a bed. The poor guy was already screaming so loudly it hurt my ears.

  If there was ever a student I wanted to take outside and hang from the nearest tree by his nuts, it was Lance. Born of a wealthy, older warrior family, he had a chip on his shoulder that he seemed to have had since birth. Unfortunately, his attitude made me want to take that chip and brain him with it. But, no matter my feelings towards Lance, going through your transition is one of the most horrible moments of a vampire's life.

  On top of which, it was worse for vampires destined to be warriors. It's not all that hard to determine at birth if a vampire will grow to be a warrior or not. First, we're born early; usually popping out of our mothers after seven months, not the normal nine. Also, warriors are unusually large babies when they're born.

  Most vampires look like scrawny, underfed children until their transitions. Pre-trans warriors, however, look more like humans and post-transition vampires. When the transition hits, vampires and warriors alike grow at accelerated rates for eight or so hours, causing horrifying amounts of pain.

  As Lance continued to scream in pain and the medical staff gave him a shot of painkillers and sedatives, I thought back to my own transition several centuries ago. It was before there was any medicine available to help alleviate the pain. The worst part was, some vampires didn't make it. I had been so close to becoming one of the few who didn't make it.

  The middle of three children, I'd always been invisible to my family unless I was in trouble. My parents hadn't even explained to me what the transition was or what I would go through. Since I was already the same size as some of my family and friends, I had no idea what was going to happen to me the day before my twenty-fifth birthday. When the cramps started all over my body I was scared I was dying.

  I remember moving as fast I
could, through the pain, to find my mother. When I told her what was happening she rolled her eyes and told me I was transitioning. She yelled at me for interrupting her day and said to go to my room, I would either live through it or not. That was the first time I realized how little my parents really cared about me.

  "Matteo, he's calm for now," one of the doctors told me as he walked past me and out of the room. I nodded and headed over to Lance's bed. As much I as I hated the little shit, my heart went out to him knowing the hours of pain still before him.

  "Am I going to die?" Lance asked before groaning in pain and curling into a ball.

  "No, this is normal, Lance," I answered, reaching over to rub the boy's back. "It will pass, just breathe through the pain."

  "Fuck," he gasped as another wave of pain shot through him. I watched in astonishment as his body grew at least an inch. No matter how many transitions I witness, it always amazes me how fast the process happens. "Please, just kill me, Matteo."

  "Can't do it, Lance," I whispered thinking back to how many warriors over the years had asked me that same thing. "Just keep breathing."

  "What comes next?" Lance asked with tears in his eyes.

  "You've been taught what to expect."

  "I can't think through the pain. Please, Matteo, I'm begging you, walk me through it," he sobbed. Again I took pity on the man, knowing most of the reason Lance was such an asshole was his upbringing. I'd met his parents briefly, once; they made Lance look like a saint.

  "First, your bones will grow," I said, pulling up a chair to sit next to him. Once I was comfortable in the seat, I continued. "Then your muscles and skin will grow as well to accommodate your new, larger size. After which, every vessel and organ will do the same. The last stage doesn't hurt like the rest, but the fever that will take you will feel like you're sitting on the sun."

  "Right, first the cramping, then the pain from the bones growing," he replied as everything he'd be taught resurfaced. "The muscles and skin are more a cramping and pulling dull pain. Then the fevers, after which is the skullsmashing pain of my fangs growing in."

  "You'll make it through this, Lance," I cooed, trying to keep him calm. "Just remember to keep breathing, slow, deep breaths. All you can do is breathe and remember not to panic. If things start going south, I promise you that I will tell you. Your parents have been called, though I'm sure they knew this was coming."

  "They said they'll stop by tomorrow once they have word I made it," Lance said, tears running down his face. "Is that how all parents react?"

  "No, it's not," I answered honestly. "You have people here though, and that's more than I had for my transition."

  "Will you tell me about it?"

  I looked at Lance's face for a few moments. When I realized the pre-trans really was looking for a distraction, and not just being an ass, I told him about how my mother reacted when I told her what was happening. Then I told him how my family hadn't even warned me about the transition.

  "God, and I thought my parents were assholes," he whispered. "But you made it, of course."

  "I did," I answered nodding. "They didn't have painkillers or shots back then, but I made it. I went to my little corner of the room I shared with my siblings. The only time I remember seeing my family during it was when my father came into the room and screamed at me for making so much noise. He said if the transition didn't kill me, he would if I didn't shut my trap."

  "Do you still talk to your parents?"

  "No, not since after my transition," I explained. "When it was finally over, a warrior they had sent for came into the room. He freaked out when he saw that no one was attending to me and no one had given me any blood. His name was Renaldo. He picked me up in his arms and carried me outside to his carriage. Next thing I knew we were driving to somewhere, not that I knew or cared where. Along the way we stopped and picked up a human and he helped me drink from them."

  "Wow, before they had blood banks," he said with his eyes wide. "I forgot you're that old."

  "Yeah, no bags of blood back then," I chuckled. "Back then you learned how to hunt and wipe human minds of the memories of you drinking from them, or you starved. Thankfully, Renaldo handled it that time and then worked with me, teaching me how to do it. He said I was lucky to have made it though my transition, given my parents hadn't even supplied me with blood after my fangs grew in."

  "Guess I sound like a whiney baby to you for complaining," Lance whispered.

  "No, not at all, Lance," I answered. "Every transition is rough; we all break and scream, cry, and yell. There's no shame in that given what your body is going through."

  Another wave of pain hit him just then. He reached out and took my hand, squeezing it as hard as his he could. I wrapped both my hands around his one, talking gently to him until the pain passed. When it did, he simply smiled at me before slipping into sleep. I sighed, knowing he couldn't sleep through the whole thing, but grateful he was sleeping as long as he could.

  While he was out for the moment I made sure the supplies we would need were all there. When I was satisfied they were I sat back down in the chair and got ready to be there for the long haul. Deciding there wasn't much I could do for him right then, I shut my eyes and took a nap until the next wave of pain hit him.

  CHAPTER 3

  It was well after two in the morning before I got to my room and crashed. Lance had survived his transition and was now sleeping in the infirmary. After the transition was complete, new vampires were fed as much blood as they could take and then put into a medically induced coma for a few days. While the worst was over, they would feel continual muscle cramps and spasms throughout their body. It was better for everyone if they got to sleep through that particular experience.

  After catching about four hours of sleep I woke up knowing there was no way I was getting back to bed. The whole time I sat with Lance I'd thought about what Dimitri and Alexander said to me. As I sat there I'd made the decision to talk to Nate, and all I had wanted to do was find him. Instead, I waited until Lance was done and then went straight to sleep. It wouldn't make a lick of difference to the situation if I went to find Nate when I was too tired to think straight.

  Now that I was somewhat rested I got up and headed towards his room. Nate and Lance shared a dorm room, so I knew Nate would be alone right now. What we needed to discuss was private, so I figured that right now while Lance was in the infirmary was the best time.

  When I got to his room, I didn't bother knocking. Instead I entered the room and closed the door behind me. Nate must have had a rough night; he was sprawled out in the middle of the bed, blankets and sheets twisted together and thrown on the floor. Even looking at him now, I was struck by how handsome he was.

  Nate was several inches shorter than my six-four. His wavy, light blond hair reached his ears, and although his eyes were closed, I knew them to be a deep forest green. It had been his soulful eyes that originally drew me to him. Even at his pre-trans height of about five-nine he had nicely toned, lean muscles. Looking at him now, I would guess he was about one seventy-five or so.

  "Nate, wake up, we need to talk," I said as I leaned over and shook his shoulder. When he swatted my hand away in his sleep and rolled over, I smiled and sat on the bed. This time I grabbed his shoulder a little firmer and tried again. "Wake up, sleepy head."

  "Matteo," he whispered after he turned and looked up at me. "I always have this dream."

  Before I could ask what he was talking about, he reached up, locked his hands behind my neck, and pulled me down. I was so shocked at what was happening I didn't have time to react before his lips found mine. But when the sweet taste of Nate hit me, I fell into that kiss. Licking across his lips, Nate moaned and opened up his mouth for my searching tongue. It wasn't until he reached down and grabbed my now hard cock that I snapped out of my lust.

  "Wait, this isn't why I came here," I said as I pushed away from him.

  "Oh my god, I thought it was a dream," Nate whispered, turning several sh
ades of red.

  "It's okay, Nate."

  "Why are you here, Matteo?" he asked, turning from embarrassed to pissed. "You made your feelings very clear last time we saw each other."

  "No, I really didn't," I answered shaking my head, "I tried to push you away. And for that, and the hurt I caused you, I'm so sorry, Nate."

  "What are you talking about?"

  I took a deep breath and tried to collect myself before trying to explain. "It wasn't a mistake being with you, Nate. The only mistake was not waiting until after your transition."

  "I'm so lost," he whispered as he ran his hands over his face. "What does my transition have to do with how we feel about each other?"

  "Look, I'm telling you this as somebody who's been through their transition," I answered with a sigh. "I've also witnessed hundreds of transitions over the years, so I know what I'm talking about. I think we can both agree to that, right?"

  Nate didn't say anything, but simply searched my face for a few moments. When he nodded, I continued my train of thought.

  "People change after their transition, and I'm not just talking physically. It's more than a structural and bodily change, Nate. It can be emotional as well as mental."

  "I guess I can see that," he replied. I could almost see the wheels spinning in his head as he thought about what I said. "So you're saying I might not feel the same about you, or us, after my transition."

  "Yes," I whispered as he voiced my worst fear. I didn't know if my heart could take him not wanting me after his transition. "It wasn't just my feeling that it was wrong for me to touch a student keeping me away from you. I'm not saying you're too young to know what you want, Nate. It's more than that. You might be a totally different person after you transition."

  "Why didn't you just say that?" he asked gently. I couldn't answer at first, and tried to turn away from his knowing, gorgeous eyes. But when he reached out and touched my cheek, I sucked it up and looked at him.

  "Because I'm an ass," I answered honestly. "I've never really had sex with anyone I cared about before. And the idea that you might turn away from me after your transition because you don't want me anymore… well, it was too painful to really even think about."