Love's Delusion Read online

  My eyes started to drift shut, but then I heard rustling and they popped back open. I saw Xana and Jeston both taking their jackets off from across the way, Matteo smirking from his seat in between the two giants. Then Xana noticed what Jeston was doing and hurried to unbuckle his seat belt, moving to the floor in front of me and wrapping his jacket around me. Before I could say anything, Jeston was next to him and moving his coat around my legs.

  Alexander cleared his throat and I watched as they both looked at him before taking their seats again, studying me carefully. Then our boss glanced at me with mirth in his eyes. “You didn’t really think they both had issues with their computers that often and no one else could help them, did you?”

  I felt my face flush and nodded. Apparently I was brain dead on top of all my other issues when it came to men. For whatever reason that made me miss Winston more than anything. I was happy with him even if it had been a lie. I curled up even tighter into myself, and the next thing I knew, I was crying myself to sleep on the flight home.

  Everything hurt, including my heart. I’d lost the only man I’d ever loved, ever wanted and it had been fake, but it didn’t feel that way.

  2

  I must have fallen asleep because I woke up in the infirmary, Sam and his mate, Bowie, racing around and checking on someone lying in another bed. Wiping my eyes, I focused better as I tried to sit up and saw it was Roarke.

  “I’m sorry for your loss,” Wally choked out next to me.

  “What?” I whispered, glancing at him.

  “I’m sorry for your loss, Gilroy.” He reached over and took my hand. “I didn’t catch the specifics other than one of the Zakasacs mated you and to you it was real. I’m truly sorry for you. I mean, I’m glad you’re free of there and that, but I can’t imagine the loss you’re feeling right now. I know it’s probably horrible coming from me or maybe you don’t believe me because your mate dying seems to have helped my mate wake up, but I am still sorry for what you’re going through.”

  “Thanks. I’m sorry for you too.” I cleared my throat and squeezed his hand. “So Roarke’s been out this whole time?”

  “Yeah. They found him with what Sam said was acid burns on his face, and they couldn’t get him to wake up. He called everyone he could think of but no one had seen anything like it. I thought I’d lost my mate.”

  “Dimitri?” I asked, remembering Kevin was gone and trying to fill in the status of the last person that was with us.

  “He’s fine,” Alexander assured me from my left. I glanced over at him and winced when I saw him and Helios staring at me as if not sure what to make of me. “He had minor injuries from the crash and fought to keep the rest of you safe. He saw Roarke pulled out of the truck and they did something to him, but he could not see what. Then you were just gone.”

  “We need to know what happened, Gilroy,” Helios added.

  I reached for the water on the table next to me and took several gulps before setting it down, thinking back. “Kevin was dead and my ears wouldn’t stop ringing. I was bleeding. I got out, saw the driver’s door open and tried to stand and then I remember red eyes. That was it. Then—”

  “Look, I hate to do this, but it’s been asked from all sides that I use my gift to interview you,” Helios muttered, frowning.

  “You mean interrogate him,” Jeston snapped from the foot of my bed. “Gilroy’s a victim here, Helios, and one of us.”

  “You think I like this either?” Helios growled as he leaned towards Jeston in a threatening way. “But I also don’t disagree. I didn’t see how he was acting this morning, and from what I heard, it was like he was drinking the Jesus Juice and converted to being a Zakasac. If he’s got nothing to—”

  “It’s fine,” I whispered, hating all the attention. “I get it. I don’t think it’s necessary because I am me again. I mean, I know the difference and I’m me, but with all that’s going on, I feel like ass and I could forget something. So just do it.” I pushed myself up, grabbing my head. “Do we know why I feel like such crap?”

  “You were mated, Gilroy,” Helios muttered as he studied me as if that was the answer.

  “Gilroy’s pretty young. He might not understand what that means,” Xana defended. I hadn’t even seen him there, but I looked at him then and let him see that I didn’t in fact get it. “Some people don’t survive losing their mates. When the bond is broken, it can crush them, and we don’t know why but it can kill them. Some say it’s because of a broken heart or whatever magic ties our souls together doesn’t allow us to withstand that process to be undone.”

  I shot Jeston a nasty look. “Another reason to not have been so quick to kill Winston, huh?”

  “Are you saying we should have let him live so you could be mated longer?” he shot back.

  I saw Helios watching our interaction curiously as if looking for signs I wasn’t on the right team. I didn’t even bother hiding my reaction for him because I knew what side I was on. I rolled my eyes. “No, you idiot, but he had answers we needed. Obviously.” I pointed over to Roarke. “He did something to me and Roarke. He said I was going to be his favorite, like I was the first of something. I didn’t care then because I was in love—or I thought I was—but some of what he said makes more sense now.”

  “But we can’t pump him for more because he’s dead,” Helios finished.

  “Like interrogations ever work with liars,” Jeston drawled. All I did was point to Helios. “Oh, shit. Yeah, we have someone who can force them to tell the truth. Shit.”

  “It was my call,” Alexander said firmly, clearing his throat. “It seemed more immediately pressing to separate you from his influence. I have seen many bonds broken, and it’s always better to do it sooner when it’s not agreed upon by both parties. I grabbed Winston’s journals, so most likely, we can figure out what he was up to from those. If not, we are not fools. We will piece it together.”

  “Fine, I guess that makes sense,” I muttered, bobbing my head. Hey, if they had seen matings that had to be broken apart and I hadn’t, then they had more info to make that decision. I got that. I hadn’t been in any position to get a vote before. It had just seemed like they’d been careless with the whole thing when I could have died as a result.

  “Let’s get you something to eat and interview you privately,” Helios offered, shooting Jeston a look that basically said he shouldn’t open his mouth.

  “Um, about that,” I whispered as I moved to the edge of the bed. “Look, I’m cool with you using your gifts but—yeah, the—umm, mating? It was consummated. A lot. So, could we not focus on that in the reports or get into too many details while I’m on the truth serum, please?” I felt my eyes burn as I even thought about it, roughly wiping them. “Why do I care? It wasn’t real. What did he do to me?”

  Helios rubbed my shoulder as he helped me to my feet. “Think of love in terms of chemistry and hormones. He slipped you something that you didn’t know the difference. That doesn’t make it any less hard to let go than the real thing. I mean, think of how long it took you to move on from that last person you loved or broke up with.”

  My face heated up so fast I thought I might faint with how weak and sick I already felt. I grabbed onto the bed and he scooped me up into his arms.

  “Never been in love, huh?” he murmured in my ear so no one else could hear. I shook my head. “Never even a boyfriend or lover?” Again, I did the same. “Okay, then this is going to suck for you bigtime, Gilroy. I’m not going to lie and I’m sorry for that, but I will leave the sex stuff out of the report besides that Winston did drug you into having it. More than that no one needs to know.”

  “I offered. I practically begged for it,” I admitted, wanting to die of embarrassment as he carried me out of the infirmary.

  “You could have pleaded for it every second you were there and it still would be on him because he drugged you,” Helios assured me.

  I wasn’t sure things were so black and white, but hey, if that was how they all f
elt, I’d try and cut myself a break. I was quiet the whole ride to the cafeteria in Helios’s arms. The second he set me down, I realized who I wanted to talk to though. I made my way back into the kitchen, dinner over and everyone cleaning up so we had the run of the place.

  “You okay?” Manny, the only non-warrior we had at base, asked me gently.

  I shook my head. “Do you ever get over it?” He raised an eyebrow, so as much as he hated talking about it, I pushed the question. “Losing your mate. Did you ever get over it?”

  “No.” The answer came so easily and quickly to him I actually stumbled a couple of steps back. “Gilroy, I don’t know what happened to you, but I loved my Theresa for centuries and with all my heart. Losing her almost killed me. I knew there was never going to be another, and we didn’t have any children for me to take care of, I couldn’t fight like you all do, so I did the next best thing—taking care of you knuckleheads as best as I could.” He glanced past me at Helios. “What’s this all about? What did they do to him?”

  “It’s complicated,” Helios sighed. “I hate to bother you, Manny, but he needs to eat.”

  “I can fix something,” I muttered, wanting the distraction. I slowly moved around the kitchen and pulled out what I wanted for my own comfort food.

  “Leave the mess for me in the morning,” Manny muttered before coming over and kissing me on the head. “I’m here if you want to talk, youngin.”

  “Thanks,” I rasped, barely keeping it together. Manny was one of my only buddies besides Rune and he was more a work friend. Sure we talked tech and whatnot over the long hours we worked, but I didn’t think he knew much about me outside of that.

  “You like to cook?” Helios murmured as I chopped up the potatoes I’d just washed.

  I nodded. “We work crazy, long hours. Manny’s used to me missing meals and coming in here to play when I need to think. I like putting pieces together like with tech. That baked omelet bacon potato thing he started serving, I came up with.” I kept preparing and then sighed. “Okay, do your thing and ask me the questions.”

  “You’re too weak. It can be disorienting like being drugged and you definitely shouldn’t be standing or playing with knives while I do it.”

  “Fair enough.” I fried some bacon before throwing it over the potatoes, then added a ton of mixed cheeses, and popped it in the oven. “You guys got Kevin, right? He was laid to rest?”

  “Yes, we recovered his body and gave him a proper send-off.”

  I nodded and stared at the stove. We didn’t bury our dead. Not only keeping with ancient customs but with surveillance and noses poking into everything, all it took was one court order that someone supposedly didn’t know who to deliver to and one of our own could be dug up. And none of us wanted to find out the consequences from that.

  Then I couldn’t just stand there and watch the food cook like waiting for water to boil… It never did while someone was looking after all. I grabbed some sour cream and ketchup, and a massive Sprite from the fountain drink area, and set it all up at one of the tables. By then it was all ready and I sat the pan right on the table as well, grabbing a plate for Helios, too, just to be polite.

  “Comfort food?” he asked gently.

  “Not sure I’ve ever had a time I needed comfort more,” I admitted.

  “Wanna tell me why off the record before we get started?”

  I shrugged. “It’s complicated.”

  “I’m pretty good with complicated. You can ask Rune if you’d like. He’ll swear to the fact I keep my mouth shut too.”

  I glanced at him from under my lashes as I served myself a huge helping, throwing on some sour cream and squirting the ketchup. I was about four bites in when I realized what harm could it do to open up a bit about this. Maybe Helios could help? I mean, he was ancient after all. That had to come with some wisdom.

  “I used to think I was asexual. I didn’t like girls but I didn’t seem to like guys either,” I admitted in between bites. “Then I lost my first challenge after I became a warrior and well…” I trailed off, clearing my throat.

  “And you had sex,” he finished for me. “With a man.” I nodded but didn’t elaborate. “Good or bad?”

  “Amazing. I loved it.”

  “And after? How did you feel about that warrior?”

  “Ben was an asshole,” I muttered, nodding when Helios flinched. Ben and his friend Dean had fallen prey—mostly because they were idiots—to a Zakasac trap to give them information. They were found innocent of knowingly helping but they’d never again have much authority or the title of warrior. I think they were currently serving the council’s work sentence by being keepers of the council’s meeting estate.

  “Okay, but there had to be others? I mean, you’re pretty young but not the lowest ranked.”

  “I always loved it. I’ve challenged people knowing I was going to lose and they liked the sex afterward just because I wanted to feel that again.”

  “Odd, but not unheard of,” he hedged. “Did you challenge anyone specifically? Always Tadzio or anything where it’s an indication that you like them?”

  Again I shook my head. “No, nothing like that. It wasn’t about who it was. I simply wanted to feel something. I never seem to feel anything, no connection with people.”

  “Gilroy, you’re not the only really smart, techie person I know that has a hard time with that stuff,” he hinted, not coming right out and saying that his mate had issues too.

  “Still doesn’t make it not completely fucked up,” I bitched, Helios opened his mouth but I shook my head. “Either way, my point is, I didn’t feel that with Winston. Fake or not, I don’t miss him because it’s not like I really knew him, and yeah, I get that he was a Zakasac now, but I finally felt something for someone.”

  “And not only was it taken away, it all turned out not to be real,” he added, saying what I couldn’t. I nodded and stabbed my fork at another potato. “Wanna start while you eat so we can get this over with?”

  “Yeah, sounds good.” Good was a relative term of course. None of this was good, but his way sounded better than hanging upside down by my balls dragging this out for hours on end.

  Again, relative.

  He started easy, going over again what I remembered from the crash, what I had seen. That was easy since I’d had my head down. When we got into the pain after, I think we both agreed it was from Winston feeding me his blood, though how I’d survived that was amazing on its own.

  “So because I was unmated his blood turned me into some docile servant willing to do anything for him while it put Roarke in a coma?” I murmured, shaking my head. Helios hadn’t been kidding that his gift made someone feel like they were drugged. “That just seems wrong.”

  “But it makes sense why you both took different turns when Winston died,” he mumbled, jotting down notes furiously. “What did he say when you woke up?”

  I spent the next twenty minutes telling him what little I ended up knowing. Sure, now that I had my brain back and wasn’t just Winston’s sex boy, I was looking differently at things that had happened, but I hadn’t found out much during my time there. Made a warrior feel like a tool to say the least.

  “Did you even remember the crash? That Kevin was dead or you didn’t know what happened to Roarke and Dimitri?” he pushed when we reached another dead end of my knowledge.

  “Yes, but no,” I semi-slurred. “All that mattered was I’d been hurt and he’d saved me. Winston was an angel to me. Somewhere in my mind the assumption was made that he’d fixed it all and I wasn’t worried. I didn’t have to worry. He had it all under control. He told me he had everything under control the first night after I woke up and I believed him. I wanted to stay there with him, and he said I could, that was enough to wipe out any thoughts in my mind that I should even try and call in.”

  “The mind control or connection was that strong?” Alexander muttered as he sat down next to Helios. “That’s not love, Gilroy. I see things past my Dimika. He
wasn’t the only person I was worried about getting to when we got the alert something had hit the truck. He might have been my priority, but love doesn’t wipe out everything else.”

  “I get that now,” I slurred, rubbing my arms. I realized then I was wearing a sweatshirt. Where had that come from? “It was like just getting up and all you can focus on is that first thought you wake with. That’s the best I can describe it, but the thought was always Winston. When Xana carried me out, I realized I’d never been outside that room and it never occurred to me to try and look around.” I swayed in my seat and I felt Helios’s influence start to recede.

  “That’s enough for today. I’ll report this and ask if there’s anything specific to be asked after they get these answers,” he mumbled. “Get some rest.”

  “Yeah, thanks. I think I need it,” I admitted. I put everything in the sink for Manny, covering up the leftovers so he could at least have something for himself for breakfast if he threw some eggs with it instead of treating it as over-loaded fries, and then we headed out.

  But Helios turned to the command center when we reached it down the hallway. “You good to make it back to the clinic by yourself?”

  “Yes,” I lied, my head still spinning from whatever trance-like drug his gift left in my system or so it seemed. I kept walking, not even waiting for him to say anything or comment. I wanted to turn right around though when I reached the infirmary. Roarke was awake, and while that was great, I didn’t think I could be in there while he and Wally reconnected and everyone caught him up on what had happened.

  I couldn’t handle being any part of that right then, so I slipped out before anyone saw me, hoping I could pick the lock to my own room since I wasn’t sure if anyone had recovered my keys or had given them to me.

  Not that I had anything to pick the lock with.

  And I also didn’t really want to be alone. Sure, a room full of people happy at the demise of my mate wasn’t want I needed, especially because while I understood things with Winston were fake, it didn’t take away the hole I felt inside me.