Love's Suspicion Read online

  He was being so nice, so understanding I didn’t play it off or push him away for once, but I needed to know my answers first. “Who are you? Really, I mean?”

  He chuckled. “Who I am is a complicated answer. My name is Seneca Handler, and you are Ellison Noah. I made sure to get filled in when I realized you were like me. And I knew of your pain, your malnutrition since I also have the gift of being able to feel pain like your doctor has here.”

  My eyes went wide. “I’ve never heard of someone having two gifts.”

  “I might not yet actually. I’m not sure. It could be an extension of our gift that comes with age. You can feel the pain you cause when you use your gift, so it makes logical sense it could be a branch of it.”

  “Yeah, if you got that first, sure, maybe.” I let what he said settle, almost afraid to move and lose his hand against my cheek where it felt so nice. “A woman at the coven found me when I was drinking a bottle of whiskey that I discovered looking for more weapons and bullets. Wow, that was some strong shit. But I was partially in the bag, mostly maybe. She—she wanted to, you know. I told her I was gay, and she didn’t buy that.

  “She said men are only gay until they meet the right woman.” I noted the way he frowned, feeling as I had at hearing something so stupid. “She wasn’t hearing me, not taking no as an answer. She was muttering if she was my lover, she’d get in the safe room with Falcon where the kids, anyone injured, or like pregnant stayed when there were attacks. I got pissed. That was it. I got pissed she was being a bitch and trying to use me, jerking me off when I said not to.”

  “And your gift flared and killed her,” he finished for me. I gave a slow nod as tears burned my eyes. I blinked them away. “It wasn’t your fault.”

  “She didn’t deserve it,” I growled, shoving him. “She really didn’t deserve me adding her to the list of those killed by zakasacs because I panicked, horrified at what I’d done, scared someone would kill me in my sleep.” I let out a wordless scream. “I warned her I wasn’t safe to be around. I told her my gift was starting and lethal. I tried to shove her away, but she was sober, saying that just made being at my side the safest place to be.”

  “It was an accident. A horrible, horrible accident, Ellison.” He paused to let that sink in. “Is that why you push away the warrior who is clearly in love with you?”

  I blinked at him a moment, missing the topic change. “Tadzio? He’s not in love with me. He loved my ass when I was a little shrimp of a pre-trans to him. He was not happy when I grew taller than him, that whole fucking inch taller.” I shook my head. “He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t know how to process someone actually rejecting him because he’s a selfish ass.”

  “He might be, but a man doesn’t hold a torch for over a year and try as hard as he has for something as trivial as trying to win over the one who rejected him.” He held up his hand when I opened my mouth to argue. “When Alexander knocked you out, he moved in the way, blocking you from the head of his camp, Ellison. That is not something a man does for a fling.”

  “I thought Falcon did.”

  “Only once he learned Gaius was Wyrok and it frightened him. He jumped in the way, and when it looked as if that wouldn’t defuse the situation but incite Alexander, Gaius went for Falcon, and Tadzio went for you.” Again he paused. “And I didn’t ask about his intentions to you. I asked if your gift, your fear you could hurt him, is what makes you push him away.”

  “No,” I immediately answered, rubbing the back of my neck. “No. What we had is long gone for me. He… I thought he saw me when I was a little five-seven pre-trans, really cared about me when all I’d ever had was being ignored or an annoying charity case.” He gave me a funny look, and I elaborated since he didn’t seem to know my file, just what was going on since we’d gotten back. “I’m an orphan. I didn’t know I was a vampire.”

  His eyes flashed shock just as everyone’s did when I told them that. He opened his mouth to ask how it had happened—as that was what everyone asked—but my stomach growled, and he waved me to follow. “We can continue this in my room where no one will come looking for you, and I’ll get us food.”

  “Yeah, okay,” I agreed after a few moments, trailing after him. I wanted answers too, and he seemed to have them. If nothing else, the idea of not having to be alone in the horrid gift I’d gotten was enough to make me follow.

  Plus, that kiss had set me on fire in a way Tadzio never had.

  He had a room at the top floor of the warrior dorm, muttering something about how his house would be built last so they’d given him the best room available as he let me in. Then he left, promising food and telling me to make myself comfortable.

  Okay then. The guy was as awkward as I was.

  Normally I might have snooped while he was gone, trying to find out about the guy who was so closed off and yet knew so much of what I wanted to. But I didn’t. I was reeling. I sat there in the uncomfortable desk chair that probably couldn’t hold someone of my weight anymore from the way it groaned and stared at the wall as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.

  “Ellison!” Seneca shouted in my face, and I jumped to my feet. I glanced around to see why he would yell, my heart racing, and found nothing. He hurriedly wheeled the cart off to the side and yanked me to sit on the bed, pulling out a small flashlight from somewhere and shining it in my eyes. “You were in shock. You seemed fine when I left. I wouldn’t have left you if I thought you might go into shock.”

  “I zoned out. I’m fine,” I grumbled, slapping his hand with the flashlight. “I-I—it’s taken me some time to settle. It always does. I mean, settle with what he said. What they planned, treating us all like flies or ants. I was processing.”

  He nodded and backed away, closing the door and pulling the cart over by the bed. Then he sat by the pillows, waiting for me to turn to face him before getting the trays off for us. “Even with our gift, surviving what you did alone is amazing.” I opened my mouth to object I wasn’t alone, but he waved me off. “Yes, your friend handled the children and others unable to fight, but you handled the killing alone. That also kept them safe. How did you do it?”

  I opened my mouth again, this time to answer, but instead started with the bowl of rice on my tray, studying him. “I’ve asked you questions too, but somehow I keep being the only one who’s answered. That’s not making it easier for me to trust you, especially after what I’ve been through. You seem like a good guy, but your friend is also sniffing after mine so, yeah, this needs to be more tit for tat.”

  “Fair enough,” he agreed after a few moments. “First—and I ask this for medical reasons, not to deflect you—how is your stomach? Has it gotten better?”

  “Yes.” I thought about it and nodded. “Yeah, it’s much better. I won’t be eating hot peppers anytime soon, but yeah, I’m good.”

  “Wonderful. Then I wouldn’t jump to lamb gyros, but I put together a few chicken ones for you. You need to start getting more protein now that you’re a bit better. Stick with bland for a few more days, and I’ll keep my eyes on you.” I choked on my rice as I heard the innuendo, and he smirked. “Yes, I fancy you, but I meant your health.”

  I decided to give him something in return after I’d jumped on him because I thought he was safe, like that was the only reason. “I’ve never seen eyes like yours. They’re amazing.”

  “Thank you.” He cleared his throat and folded up his first gyro. “I was born in what is now Germany about six thousand years ago, so yes, I was Wyrok too. Well, we never stop being Wyrok, but none of us are on their current roster like Helios was. He has reached the age where it’s smart to step back and out of the light as well.” He took a bite, staring at me the whole time he chewed. “People aren’t always drawn to power for the right reasons. I know this from personal experience, and that is part of why I got involved.

  “You have been through more than any young warrior should have, and I now realize I don’t know the half of it. But as I had someone
to jump in to protect me, I would do the same for you if you allow me.” He bobbed his head around as he took another bite, smiling at me. “Maybe without even your consent, as you are a stubborn, problematic one, which I quite like. You cannot let injustice stand. Your friend would have quietly worked through the system to set things right.

  “But you no longer trust the system after seeing how broken it is. You would scorch everything around you, even burn yourself, to make sure those who died have the voice they need for the justice they deserve. I respect that. I envy that. You still have hope.” I snorted, and he gave me a kind smile. “You do, or you wouldn’t fight. I did not, and I envy those who would even if it led to their downfall. That is not a common trait to be found in people.

  “Self-preservation kicks in and prevents people from pushing. Your friend believes the people here would help, and they will, but you didn’t and pushed anyways. I did not because I knew it would end up with me dead.”

  I sat with what he said and shrugged as I set down the now empty bowl and started with the chicken gyros that smelled heavenly.

  “Ignoring the problem is what bugs me. We can live forever. It’s not like with humans where the problem might go away or change with a new generation. You’ve lived that long, and I would guess you waited until you had the power to do something and did it then. Caution and being smarter isn’t a bad thing. The best revenge is served cold, but I’m too big of a hothead.”

  “You are smarter than you make yourself seem.”

  I mulled that as I took a few bites, shrugging again. “Lack of sleep and stress can do a lot to a person. I was so terrified and dealing with so much, I couldn’t see much, and then came the sleep deprivation and malnutrition, and I stopped caring who was to blame and just wanted everyone to burn. Falcon was a bit more removed, though, at the eye of his own storm. I didn’t help that, but yeah, he believed in a way I didn’t.

  “His logic makes sense now , but I knew what I heard, I knew what I saw. I put the pieces together wrong, and that happens, but I wasn’t wrong, either, that this place fucked up too. And I even get what’s being said that they can’t check out every dangerous mission, but they could have talked with the warriors already sent first. Tadzio should have stayed for our handoff. It was the responsible thing to do as a warrior, not just as the damn pilot.”

  “I agree,” he cut in before I ramped up into another rant. “And so does he, just so you know. He got in a fight with Matteo saying it wasn’t his fault, just as they sent post-trans to France.”

  “Yeah, but Yuri was there, and we all knew him,” I growled.

  “Exactly what Matteo said, and Tadzio broke down sobbing that he knew that. That he didn’t mean for this to happen, but he was so upset with you for only coming to him when you wanted something and not him as he wanted you that he let all this happen. He is in a bad spot.” He chuckled when I shot him a look that clearly said yeah, poor Tadzio . It was nice that Tadzio finally got his part in all of this, but he could sit and spin on his guilt.

  We’d had to survive the situation he’d had a hand in.

  “Who did you hurt during sex?” I asked after several minutes of quietly eating.

  “My first love ,” he chuckled darkly. “This gorgeous warrior that I adored and saw through rose-colored glasses. I thought he felt the same, ignoring all the signs he didn’t, and let him take me to bed. It ended up all being a joke, his friends waiting and watching, showing themselves to me after he penetrated me, taking my virginity, and my gift flared for the first time. I’d thought I’d finally found the love I’d never gotten from my family, and it was a cruel joke.”

  “Love you’d never gotten?” I pushed when he stopped talking.

  He gave me a sad smile. “I am like London, thrown out of an important family for being a disgrace, for being gay, for not respecting god enough to be straight. My family tried everything from regular whippings to bathing me in blessed rivers and anything in between. I lied and lied that I wanted women, knowing I would get to leave their insanity when I had to go train with warriors, but my grandfather wouldn’t believe me.

  “Turned out the evil bastard was just as gay, except he like boys and thought that cleansing me would lead to his redemption. And yes, that was one of the injustices I fixed after I had the power. I made him confess to every human boy he’d raped and fed from before I melted his insides for all my family to hear and watch, and then I left them all behind me, never to see any of them again.”

  “Glad he got what he deserved, but that’s still painful. Leaving family like that.”

  “You say that as an orphan,” he sighed, wiping his hands on his napkin. “You dream of the family you wanted or thought maybe you had—dreaming always elevates the idea of whatever. The reality normally sucks. The reality normally fails you and lets you down.”

  “Well, aren’t we a pair of anti-sunshine and roses,” I grumbled, having had hope he would help me. Now I knew he felt the same about hope as I did.

  2

  “You asked how I managed to kill them even with my gift,” I said after we finished most of our meal. There had been silence for a while, both of us lost in our thoughts, and he jumped when I suddenly spoke. “I played football in college.”

  “I thought you said you were little?”

  “I was,” I chuckled, carefully stacking everything on my tray. “I was fast, though. I mean, I wasn’t little in that I was like five-seven, almost five-eight, which I think is the average male human, but for football I was small. Fast but—”

  “You didn’t know you were a vampire. Shit. That had to piss some people off.”

  “Yeah, big time,” I admitted, purposefully not looking at him as I put my tray on the cart and took another ginger ale. “Here I’m on top of the world, the orphan who got a full ride scholarship to an Ivy League school because of football and all sorts of everyone are paying attention to me for once. And then these people come and threaten me if I don’t stop. I thought they were insane .

  “I mean, completely off their rocker, and I reported them to campus security. And unlike other crimes that get reported that they don’t do shit about or sweep under the rug, this they take seriously because I was a star player, blah, blah, blah. It was then that I guess the vampires realized I had no fucking clue. I mean, I wasn’t getting DNA tests or anything being a college athlete, just peeing in cups for drug tests.”

  “Because we’re basically human until our transitions, so no red flags would raise unless you had a full genome run,” he muttered, setting his tray on the cart as well. “How did you not know?”

  I shrugged. “I was pretty young when my parents died. My guess is they didn’t want any part of the covens or being under a crazy fucking leader, so they lived on their own, hidden from the broken system, and died thinking they were immortal.”

  “How did they die?” he asked gently.

  “Plane crash. They weren’t on the plane but on the ground, and the plane crashed on them. Not 9/11, but a different one. That was all anyone really told me. That and they didn’t have a will, nothing set up. Smart, right? Live outside the system and not make any sort of adult arrangements because you assume you’ll live forever when we can die.”

  He let out a slow sigh. “Unfortunately, too many do that. It’s stupid. Of course we can die and do, otherwise the world would be overflowing with ancients and threaten the human population on the planet. I’ve lived many thousands of years and seen more die than I could count. What I have lived is a gift, tomorrow isn’t a given.”

  “I like that.”

  “So what happened with the crazy people coming to harass you?”

  I snorted, shaking my head at the memory. “They kidnapped me. I mean full out nabbed me off the street and tossed me into a black van shit. They brought me to the East Coast Council, which is attached to the camp, and showed me. They showed me the fangs and the blood and all the warriors and gifts… And I fainted. I thought I was dinner. They were stupid about
it, and now it’s a bit funny because doubt they had to explain that one often.

  “But yeah, they sort of left off the part where they were saying I was one of them. They were just showing me what they could do and drink blood. I thought I was going to be filling blood bags because like I was super healthy as a college athlete and would feed them well. I don’t think that’s such a crazy leap.”

  “No, no it’s not,” he chuckled.

  As he moved closer to me, I realized he was reaching for something on the cart, and I leaned away. His hand slid to my lower back to keep me where I was, and I finally looked at him.

  And he kissed me.

  “I was going to have some of the pie I brought on the cart, but I find you tastier,” he murmured, studying my eyes. “Are you damaged after Tadzio?”

  I flinched and pulled away. “What does that mean?”

  He sighed and leaned his forehead on my shoulder. “Forgive me. I’m not around people often. Social situations… I’m not good at them. I’m not good with people. I’m trying to ask…”

  “Well, you have to come up with an answer because I have no clue what you’re getting at,” I murmured when he stopped talking, not moving away anymore. Then it hit me. “Are you asking if I’m closed off? Like he ruined me for ever getting with someone again?”

  “Yes, but not just ‘getting with someone’ like a one-night stand. I mean—are you going to hurt me? You’re special, Ellison. You intrigue me, and I find myself wanting more than just sex and not because all my friends seem to be pairing up. Maybe that gives me hope I can have more than sex and—”

  “Yeah, I get it,” I murmured, realizing this was seriously hard for him. I kissed his hair and moved my arm around him. “No, I’m not ruined. You’ve seen my temper, and I’m not the best with others, either.”