Love's Delusion Page 7

  “Good luck with that,” I snickered, practically smelling the smoke coming out of Rune’s ears from where we were standing. I glanced at Alexander who was looking around the room, shaking his head.

  “We need to start childproofing the cafeteria with plastic plates and sit on the floor, the way people keep breaking things,” he grumbled.

  “Jeston will be fixing and replacing it all,” I assured him, staring down the man in question as if daring him to deny it.

  “Fine, as long as you make sure Gilroy knows he wasn’t a game to me either and not be a dick because I was a jealous ass,” he grumbled as he picked another piece of glass out of his arm. “I’m gonna need help with the bathroom. I don’t know anything about plumbing.”

  “What’s wrong with the bathroom?” Alexander demanded.

  “Oh boy,” Gilroy chuckled, his eyes shining with mirth.

  And if that wasn’t bad enough, timing wasn’t on our side.

  “Why is there a flood in the hallway out here?” Dimitri yelled over from the doorway. “I thought you had all the pipes checked before winter, that we were in good shape for freezing and unfreezing this year?”

  “I did,” Alexander ground out, practically boring holes in the back of my head with the angry look I was getting. “An angry giant tore up the bathroom like your Larry movie you like watching.”

  “You’re lucky I love you and it’s sexy when you try and get things wrong,” Dimitri chuckled. “It was a troll and it’s Harry, Harry Potter, my love.”

  “Whatever, our giant tore up the bathroom.”

  “Well, I can easily fix it if you stop adding frown lines to your gorgeous face and give me a good morning kiss,” Dimitri teased. Alexander smirked and leaned into his mate.

  “Um, can some of my apple butter go to Dimitri?” I muttered to Gilroy. “I really did a number on that bathroom.”

  “Were you really going to kill him for what he did?” Gilroy hedged, glancing up at me as he sat down on one of the chairs, looking tired.

  “Kill? No. Maim, yes,” I admitted with a sigh, plopping down next to him. “We were finally good. You were happy, no dark circles under your eyes, light even. Yeah, I dropped a bomb on you, but I thought it was a good one. Who doesn’t want to know they’re loved?”

  He bobbed his head, staring at the floor in deep thought. “Sure, I’ll get Dimitri some of the stash Manny has in the kitchen. I’m just gonna take some time today to think, okay?”

  I didn’t like the sound of that and unfortunately my mouth opened before I could stop myself. “And put distance between us.”

  “That’s fair,” he agreed after a minute. “Okay, so what do you want to say that I should know to take into account while I think?”

  Wow, talk about being put on the spot. I took a deep breath and nodded. “Jeston and I weren’t serious. I knew I really liked you, but I was lonely and we would hook up. We didn’t even tell anyone—it wasn’t like that. I’m not sure what it was for him, maybe he thought we were trying or we were seeing each other? I don’t know, but I never said it was more than us hooking up. But then we kept bumping into each other at your desk and I got jealous.”

  “Right, of me spending time with him,” Gilroy muttered, rubbing his arms.

  “No,” I snorted. I pinched the bridge of my nose and then turned to him, taking his hands in mine. “I was jealous he was spending time with you. I wanted to spend more time with you. I walked up and he made you laugh, you seemed to like him and it chapped my ass. I knew his computer was fine, he was playing on it the night before. So was mine and we both figured out what the other was doing.

  “We joked that maybe we weren’t all that into each other and one of us could get hurt if we were actively pursuing others while hooking up so we stopped. I realized you weren’t the only person he was sniffing around, but I was only interested in you, jealous he wanted you. I never said that to him, or told that to anyone so I hope you won’t repeat that.”

  “Even after he hurt you and us today, you still won’t upset him,” Gilroy whispered, glancing up at me. I slowly shook my head. What would be the point in that? “You really are a gentle giant. Lots of people would use that as revenge for Jeston’s bitch move.”

  “He thought I got you naked because I smelled him in there. I didn’t. He let his hurt feelings act out in the heat of the moment. That’s forgivable after I pounded him. I won’t do something calm that could hurt a person and start another issue that would really injure you in the end.”

  “I was never a game to you, was I?” he asked after a few moments.

  “No, you never have, nor will you ever be to me. I meant what I said in the bathroom, baby,” I assured him, leaning in to give him a kiss on the cheek. “Take all the time you need to think. I’ll be here when you’re ready. I simply wanted you to have all the facts.”

  “Thanks for that.” I smiled at him and stood, hating to let go of his hand and leave him but it was fair to give him some time to think. “Hey, you’re working a double tonight, right?”

  “Yeah, they’re still short because we lost Kevin.”

  “How about I bring you up some dinner and we can just hang?” he offered shyly and then cleared his throat. “I’ve never hung out in the guard tower. Might be something fun to do with you.”

  “It’s not exciting normally, peaceful, but I would love the company.”

  “Okay, I’ll see you then.” He shot me a bright smile, and I took a chance, leaning down to give him a real kiss, which he accepted. It felt right, natural, and like we were on solid footing.

  Good. I needed us to be.

  6

  I sat with my breakfast, thinking about how I overreacted. Of course anyone would have wanted Xana not in them, but screeching like that and racing from the room was a bit much. I think it was excusable since I had been sitting in the cafeteria waiting for him after I had paced outside a few moments in the cold to catch my breath and just have an unclouded thought to myself.

  But when he’d come barreling in after Jeston, I’d just stood there in shock. I’d never seen calm, relaxed, gentle Xana all badass like that, not even when he’d come to rescue me.

  It had been sexy as hell, especially since it had been defending my honor or whatever.

  “Hey, can I talk to you?” Shane asked as he sat across from me, pulling me out of my swirling thoughts.

  “Yeah, of course. How have you been?” Shane and Kevin were best friends, inseparable even. I’d barely seen him since Kevin had died.

  “I’m hanging in there I guess.” He gave a one-shoulder shrug, but glancing at him, I wasn’t sure that was actually the best assessment.

  He looked like shit.

  “Kevin wasn’t just your friend, was he?” I asked before realizing I’d opened my mouth, my own crazy day inhibiting my mind’s control filter.

  “No, he was,” Shane rasped, staring at his hands and clearing his voice. “He was straight. He knew how I felt, but it never changed our friendship. How did you know? We never—he never—I mean—”

  “Losing a friend is horrible,” I consoled as I reached over and covered my hands with his. “Kevin was a good guy and had lots of friends here. But you look worse than how I felt when Winston was killed, that physical loss of a mate, and mine was fake, so it just—I don’t know, tells me you were in love with him.”

  “Yeah, since we were pre-trans together,” he chuckled bitterly, wiping his eyes. “It’s always been Kevin for me.”

  “I’m sorry for your loss.” I squeezed his hands, not sure what else to say to him.

  “Thanks.” He wiped his eyes with the back of his arm before trapping my hands with his and meeting my eyes. “I’m sorry to bring up that night because I know how horrible this all has been for you, but you were there. Roarke was dragged out of the SUV right away, Dimitri got out seconds after the crash. I snuck a glance at the report and you said you woke and crawled out and they were already gone. I need to know what you saw of Kevin. You
were sitting next to him. Did he really die on impact? Could something have been done to save him?”

  “No, I’m sorry, Shane,” I whispered, closing my eyes and thinking back to Kevin and the crash. I shook my head. “I didn’t wake up. I was never out. I couldn’t hear, but I never lost consciousness after the crash until after I got out and they did something to me. Everything was loud, I smelled blood, and I’d hit my head, but I didn’t black out. Kevin was gone instantly.” His hold on my hands tightened, shaking uncontrollable. “I’m so sorry, but you need to know it had to be quick then.”

  “How do you know? How can you be sure?” he demanded angrily and my eyes popped open to stare at him. “What if you were wrong? Did you climb out and you were taken but he could have been saved?”

  “Shane, he was gone,” I assured him, my eyes filling with tears.

  “How do you know for sure?” he bellowed as he stood, slamming my hands onto the table. “You’re not a medic or a doctor. You just said you were disoriented. How do you know he couldn’t be saved if I’d been there?”

  “Oh, Shane,” I whispered as I got to my feet. “Because there was no life in his eyes and they were open. There was a huge piece of something sticking out of his neck, cutting through far enough I know it was into his spine and…” I trailed off, giving him enough of the gory details that he got the point of what he needed to hear.

  He let out a wordless sob as he sank to his knees, covering his face. I raced around the table and hugged him, rocking with him as he cried for Kevin. I did too. I’d always liked the guy even if we weren’t that close. Hell, I’d not even gotten a chance to grieve for him given all my own shit and being taken by Zakasacs.

  “I’ve got him,” Sam whispered as he appeared out of nowhere. “I’ll get him back to the clinic and sedated. I thought he was getting better.”

  “No, it’s fine. He needed answers.”

  “Thank you for giving them to me,” Shane choked out, leaning over and kissing my cheek. “I’m sorry I jumped on you and I’m sorry for what happened to you, Gilroy.”

  “Back at you, buddy. We’ve all been through fucking hell.” I sat there, watching Sam help him up, an arm under his shoulders, and lead him away. I was pretty sure every heart in the cafeteria hurt for Shane and each other. We’d lost one of our own. Even if we were big, bad warriors—some bigger and badder than others—we still had hearts.

  And we’d taken a huge hit.

  I finished my breakfast and got to work, spending the day not in the best mood. I was grateful when Rune checked on me though, handing over Winston’s journal. “Talk with Matteo first. He says there’s a piece of this puzzle you need to know that he left off the report.”

  “That sounds intriguing and very 007,” I mumbled, glancing at the old-looking journal.

  “Yeah, I know. I’m just getting tired of all the secrets. Granted, I have lots of my own, so if Matteo’s keeping them to protect you, I’m cool with that. But I don’t like all these other ones. We’re supposed to be on the same damn team,” he grumbled. I didn’t disagree.

  However, I appreciated when Helios left out some of my sexcapades with Winston from his report that could have made it sound like I was a willing captive instead of completely out of my mind and not sure which way was up.

  I caught Matteo in his office before dinner and closed the door behind me. “Okay, so I heard it’s more hard revelations today?”

  “You want the truth, right?” he hedged, sighing when I nodded. “That journal is the cold facts. That’s not the truth.”

  “What do you mean?” I hedged, slowly taking the seat across from his desk.

  “I’ve racked my brain for days and days on what I saw versus what Alexander said was in that thing, what happened when we came into the room and the only conclusion I can come up with is that journal is like what Sam has for his experiments. It’s very clinical, like ready for another scientist to read, not a diary like you might think it.”

  “Okay, why tell me this and the distinction?”

  “Because I know you’re struggling with what happened and your dynamic with Winston,” he grumbled, jumping to his feet. “Yes, you were an experiment. That’s obvious and I’m not doubting that. What was done to you is horrible and Winston was a bastard.”

  “Then what are you trying to tell me?” I demanded as I watched him pace his office.

  “Why did he save you?” he countered, glancing at me then.

  “What?” I gasped, my eyes going wide.

  “Xana had jumped the gun and taken a swing at you. Winston knew he was dying, right? From your accounts even, he ran into the room and said it was over that there was no way out for him. But you could have been saved in his mind. It’s the only thing that makes sense as to why he spilled his master plan instantly. How many villains do that?”

  “Okay, put down the crack pipe and start talking sense, Matteo!”

  He blew out a frustrated breath and crossed his arms over his chest. “I saw his aura too, Gilroy. He cared for you. I think the mating bond affected him too.”

  I thought about that a moment and gave the barest of nods. “All right. I can concede that backfiring on him. An effect of the experiment he didn’t foresee. I trust you and have no reason to doubt you. So you saw my love for him, and he cared for me.”

  “Yeah, I saw your love,” he muttered, shaking his head. “It wasn’t normal love like I see between mates, it was fuzzy and muddled, like yeah, fake and drugged. His was the same for you, but lesser. He was getting a lesser dose of what you were but more in control of the situation elsewise, just maybe not how he felt for you. Think about it, he had people to answer to as well. Hooking up with you would probably have been frowned upon. But he did it and, by your own testimony, was good to you.”

  “Yeah, okay, let’s not dredge that up,” I granted, but still, wanted to move forward. “I’ll even agree to that.” I folded my hands and moved them on top of my head. “So you think he was, what? Playing Rumpelstiltskin from Once Upon A Time kind of giggly villain and pretending to taunt you guys just so he could make sure I was saved and not mistaken for a Zakasac and killed with him?”

  Matteo bounced his head around a bit before nodding. “Yeah. Basically. I think he let that come out really easily and fast because Xana jumped to kill you, saving you and he freaked you could die. He also mentioned you would die for him, do whatever he said, but yet he didn’t tell you to attack us or anything. He was saying goodbye to you instead, even if it was somewhat crudely because of the audience. Maybe because he knew the bond wasn’t real?”

  “Or because he was an evil Zakasac?” I drawled.

  “Probably,” Matteo conceded with a nod. “My point is I’ve never seen one so much like us. Mating him made you more like them, I think it also made him more like us again. I don’t know, but that’s my thoughts on all of this, what I saw, what my impression was as the outsider, and I thought you should know. I mean, you wanted to know, right?”

  “Yes—no—yes, I did. Thank you,” I rambled, bobbing my head. “I did. It’s a lot but I see where you’re coming from and I don’t think you’re wrong.”

  He narrowed his eyes at me. “But that doesn’t make me right either.”

  “I don’t know, Matteo,” I sighed, lowering my head to my hands, resting my elbows on my knees. “I just don’t know. It sounds good in theory, but I need more than a moment to think. You read the journal. You’ve had time with this. It helps you can see the auras, and while I know you have no reason to lie to me, of course—”

  “It’s hard when you can’t see it,” he said more gently, taking the seat behind his desk. “No, that’s fair. I get that. I’m not saying I have all the answers here, Gilroy. It simply felt I had a piece of the puzzle you needed to know. I’m definitely not defending Winston, he was the bad guy here.”

  “What do you think happened? Take out my feelings and just be honest with me.”

  I glanced up, watching him rub his chin for a
moment before he met my eyes. “I think the Zakasacs had a theory of what their blood could do. In the journal, they talk about taking other vampires from Denver. That’s why they kept attacking that coven. It didn’t work on regular vampires. They needed stronger subjects, so they waited until some of us left and caused the crash. They tried Roarke but he was already mated so it put him in a coma. You weren’t tied to anyone so it worked, but it had unforeseen repercussion that affected Winston too.”

  And then it hit me—why this was so important for him to tell me this. “You don’t think it was rape to him. He cared for me and didn’t understand it was me being drugged that I wanted him. He saw my obedience as part of the experiment, my not understanding he was a Zakasac, but the rest he thought was my own free will as it was his. He didn’t understand because he was affected too.”

  “Yes, that’s what I think. I don’t know if that helps or not, but that’s something I’d want to know. I’m not saying that makes the whole situation any less horrible, but if I was taken for one purpose, to become some kind of Zakasac weapon they wanted to use against the warriors and then my body was used that way—I don’t know, I guess my heart would need to know that part didn’t have such—”

  “Dirty,” I choked out, rubbing my eyes. “I don’t feel so dirty about it all.”

  “Yeah,” he sighed as he folded his hands on his desk. “I heard how you melted down in the shower about being dirty. I get it and I can’t imagine how horrible this whole thing has been for you, but I think he cared for you too, didn’t understand what was going on any more than you did to that end. He felt the bond as well, and if nothing else, he wanted to make sure you didn’t have the same fate as him because you were innocent in the whole thing.”

  “That does help,” I muttered, standing and holding on to the journal tightly. “I’ve been struggling with how to process a lot of this. Yes, I was taken. Yes, I was drugged, but then there so much that’s hazy. I can’t know how to move past it if I can’t classify where everything belongs.”