Love's Delusion Page 4

Alexander took a few deep breaths as he paced the tower before nodding and facing me. “I agree he had a right to know, Xana. I didn’t plan to keep it from him forever. I simply did not think it was something he could handle in his current state of mind.”

  “I understand that but the circumstances changed.”

  “I understand that but you should have told me,” he shot back.

  “I told Helios when I informed him that his interrogation was what broke Gilroy,” I seethed, crossing my arms over my chest. “I was informed this was no longer my concern and was politely told to not only stay out of it but forget whatever I learned and go back to my place as this camp’s watchdog up here in my tower.”

  Alexander froze, his face falling. “You cannot think that is how we see you, Xana.”

  “Alexander, I know that is how most see me,” I chuckled, running my hand over my hair. “I don’t care. I am a hammer, the giant here. I get it. I accept my role and place within our system. I am the one called in to barrel through an obstacle or when the odds are stacked against us because of my gift. Not everyone can be the medical genius or the tech savant. Some have to be the hammer to make a well-rounded team.”

  “Sometimes you play it up as if you are just the brainless hammer so no one can ever treat you as an ogre or giant up here in your tower, Xana. Your gift is truly one of a kind, a miracle even,” Alexander mumbled, shaking his head. “If that is how you wish to let people see you, that is your choice and I would never stand in the way of that. But do not blame our friends for seeing you as only the hammer then.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “People come to that conclusion all on their own. I am who I am and just because I don’t go broadcasting my gift doesn’t mean I play up myself one way or another.” I waved off what he was going to say when he opened his mouth. “It doesn’t matter. I’m fine with how people see me or don’t. This is about Gilroy. I told him what I felt at the moment he needed to know to help him. I’m sorry if you don’t approve.”

  “No, I am not sure how I feel about all of this, but I do know I am not happy Helios did not tell me of your discussion. I have a feeling the Wyrok is up to something and circling the wagons after discovering what the Zakasacs can do and that’s not allowed when it keeps us in the dark at our camp.” He stormed out of the guard tower as fast as he’d arrived.

  Okay then. Guess I was done with that conversation. Then again, this was a pretty big problem to handle. I mean, being able to turn warriors into lackeys and obedient mates was a serious issue after all.

  Or putting them in magical comas like they’d done to Roarke if they were already mated. How had they managed that?

  I was shocked when I stopped into the command center to drop off the week’s logs and Gilroy was sitting there at his station like normal. Maybe not just like normal since he was sitting hunched over, not smiling, and seemed overly jumpy from the way his gaze kept darting around.

  “Should he be here?” I asked Rune quietly as I handed him the log book for him to scan and digitally file.

  He glanced over at Gilroy and shrugged. “He wanted to come in to work. He’s an adult and was cleared to not have to stay in the clinic. I’m not his dad and pushing him to feel like things can’t ever be normal again won’t help.”

  I didn’t disagree, but it was obvious things weren’t normal with Gilroy. Rune handed me the book back, and after I thanked him, I headed over to talk to Gilroy… Only to be completely rebuffed. He caught one look at me and turned away, making sure the back of his chair was between us and everything.

  Wow, if that’s not a hint, I’m not sure what is. I think it’s time to let this fish go back to the sea, Xana. You can’t help him if he doesn’t want it and getting crushed in the process won’t do anyone any good.

  I left the command center, rubbing my chest. It was easier said than done of course because I’d liked Gilroy for a while. I guess I’d always seen us ending up together, thinking maybe he just took a while to warm up to someone or come around to the idea of being together.

  I knew he was pretty oblivious and I actually found that endearing but what had just happened was anything but oblivious. He fully knew he was trying to hide from me.

  Fine, I knew when I wasn’t wanted.

  * * * *

  The next several days I kept to myself and worked, even picking up a few extra shifts to cover for the gaps in the schedule since we were a man down after losing Kevin. I was never so happy to see Mark and Wally though since they were my relief for the overnight shift and I was coming off twenty-four hours straight. After checking with Wally that Roarke was doing much better, resting comfortably, and even starting to raise hell that he was tired of being confined to a bed, I headed to the dorms.

  I took a nice long hot shower, dried off, and crashed. I had just fallen asleep when there was a timid knock at my door. I thought I’d made it up but then it happened again. With a groan, I rolled out of bed, unlocked it, and twisted the knob before yanking it open.

  “What?” I demanded.

  “Sorry, I’ll leave you alone,” Gilroy whispered, staring at me with wide eyes.

  “No, it’s fine,” I muttered, rubbing my hands over my face. “I just got off a twenty-four hour shift. Sorry. What’s up?”

  “I couldn’t sleep.” He hugged himself and shifted uncomfortably as he glanced around the hallway. “Again.”

  “Okay, I’m sorry you’re having trouble sleeping, but why are you here? Why not go talk to Sam so he can give you something to help with that?”

  “I don’t want anything else drugging me,” he muttered sadly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come and bothered you.” He stepped back, and I sighed, grabbing his arm and pulling him into my room. He obviously was asking for help and I was being a jerk because he hurt my feelings. Except he hadn’t been ready for me to do that so he fell against me. “Xana, you’re naked.”

  “Sorry, sleep that way. Surprised you notice or care,” I grumbled as I kicked the door closed and locked it. He tried to steady himself, his hands moving to my stomach as he lowered his head at my words.

  But all that did was have him staring at my cock.

  “Jesus, you’re huge,” he whispered. “Holy crap, Xana. A horse has nothing on you. I mean, have you ever thought about calling Guinness to see if you break the world’s record for biggest cock?”

  “Um, no.” Unfortunately it got even bigger and harder under his gaze, because even if he hurt me, I was still attracted to him. “Why are you here, Gilroy?”

  He pulled away and ran his hands over his hair. “I felt safe with you. I haven’t felt safe since. I can’t shake this feeling that they’re going to come back for me since I was their positive experiment. And if I don’t get some sleep soon, I’m going to lose what’s left of my mind. But I felt safe here with you.”

  I sighed and sat back on my bed, pretty far away from him, not even able to look at Gilroy. “Fine, whatever. I’m not sleeping in the chair or on the floor so you’ll have to deal with me in my own bed.”

  “You don’t want me here though,” he muttered.

  I slowly looked up at him, watching him backstep towards the door. “Why did you turn away from me when I was coming to talk to you in the command center? Why sneak out of here last time I let you crash here?”

  “I-I—it—I didn’t—”

  “Yeah, that’s what I thought,” I muttered, shaking my head.

  “I was feeling something for you,” he blurted loudly. I snapped my head up to look at his face, taking in the way his eyes were bugging out.

  “What? Say that again?” I whispered.

  “I was feeling something for you, more than friends,” Gilroy sighed, covering his face with his hands and letting out a frustrated growl. “I’m not sure what, but I didn’t want you to stop kissing me that night. And then I was confused, not sure if it was because I’d gotten used to being in bed with someone, having that even if it wasn’t real and maybe I was transferring it to you or some
thing?”

  “Okay, so you stopped the kiss. I get that. Why run out of here in the morning?”

  “Because I woke up rubbing against you, begging for you to fuck me. Then I really got freaked out like somehow I wanted you to be Winston. Could I have gotten that fucked in the head? So when I saw you in the command center, I was mortified that maybe you had heard me and wanted answers and—”

  “And what?” I muttered, not sure I wanted to hear it as I rubbed my hands up my arms. I got him being confused and hurting, needing comfort even, but everything he was saying pretty much made it clear we still had no chance to be together and he just wanted the giant to protect him at night.

  “And I still wanted you to kiss me again,” he whispered. He moved closer and cleared his throat. “By the next day, I knew I didn’t care about Winston, that it was the bond dissolving. I was replaying conversations in my head, things he’d said and I didn’t even like him. There was no way I’d love someone like that. I was stuck trying to wake up from a nightmare.”

  “I know, I saw you struggling with it.” He didn’t say anything else and I gave a frustrated sigh. “What do you want from me, Gilroy?”

  “Time to sort out my feelings so I don’t hurt us both in the end, but I just need to see one thing.” He slowly walked to me, slid a leg over my lap, and cupped my face before lowering his mouth down to mine. I held perfectly still as he kissed me. “Did I do it wrong?”

  “No,” I breathed against his soft lips. “I’m just not sure what I should do? Do you want me to kiss you back? Is this a test if I can behave?”

  “I need to see if I made up the sparks,” he admitted.

  That was all the green light I needed. I wrapped my arms around him and rolled us so he was under me, then I kissed him with all I had, moaning when he reciprocated. When we needed air and I wanted to go further, I forced myself to stop. “And?”

  “No, sparks are real,” Gilroy panted, staring up at me. “I want you.”

  “But?” I hedged, realizing there was more to that statement.

  “I’m so confused, Xana. I can’t end up mixing what they did to me with what I’m starting to feel for you. I haven’t slept. I’m scared and jumpy. I don’t know what to do anymore. I keep thinking they’re coming for me. Everyone has questions I can’t answer. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you which is why I needed space, but it’s like I know I hate Winston but I can’t calm down ever or—”

  “It’s okay, baby,” I soothed, kissing each of his eyes. “I got you. You’re safe here with me. I got you.”

  “It’s horrible of me to ask for your help when I’ve been so mean to you.”

  “No, you weren’t. You’ve been in hell and you didn’t want to drag me into it. I get that now.” I saw the deep circles under his eyes, also taking note of the weight he’d lost. “Let’s go to bed. I’ll keep watch over you. Sleep will make everything seem easier tomorrow. I’m off and we both could use as much sleep as we can get.”

  He nodded, wiping his eyes. “I swear I’m telling the truth. I’m not just here because I fell asleep before. It’s you, Xana. You make me feel safe. That has to mean something, right?”

  “Maybe, I don’t know. Either way I’m here for what you need, no strings, okay? You’re not making me any promises and I don’t have any expectations other than you’ll be honest with me about how you feel and won’t shut me out again.”

  “That’s more than fair,” he sighed, snuggling up against me. “Thank you. Thank you, Xana.”

  “You’re welcome, baby.”

  4

  The next morning I woke with Xana wrapped around me from behind, his massive body making me feel safe and his massive cock making me feel… Something else. Glancing at the clock, I saw we’d slept through breakfast but I was starving and wanted happy morning food.

  And I wanted to do something nice for Xana after being so difficult for him. I wriggled out of his arms, found some paper, and wrote him a note that I’d been in the cafeteria’s kitchen making us something special if he wanted to join me. I didn’t even have to ask Manny about me invading his turf anymore either because he was used to me always being back there since my rescue.

  Mostly because I couldn’t deal with the eyes and whispers of everyone. I understood, they were curious about what happened to me, wanting to know more about this new, scary thing that the Zakasacs could do to us. But it made me feel more secluded, victimized and alone.

  So I hid. Maybe not the healthiest way to handle things but I was cool with it—for now.

  “What do you need?” Manny asked, shooting me a bright smile as he cleared off a counter for me. “What are we in the mood for today?”

  “Something special,” I admitted, trying to give him a smile of my own, grateful how awesome he was to me and then again when he didn’t mention how lame my attempt was.

  “Well, I know fall is normally your apple butter time, but I’ve gotten several requests for it and I am putting in my produce order today so I can get more to cover the ones you’ll use.”

  “Apple butter is really good on pancakes,” I muttered, but then frowned. “Except it takes forever to make and won’t be ready for breakfast today.”

  “So? Start a batch of it and make some of your apple pancakes for today if you want something fun now,” he countered easily. That was one of the things I loved about Manny, he made everything seem so easy.

  And life never was.

  I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, truly smiling as he batted me away like a crazy nephew who was interrupting him or something, and then pulled out a huge bushel of apples from the pantry before grabbing the industrial peeler, slicer, corer thing that Manny had for apples, pears, potatoes or whatever he needed it for. I was on my tenth apple when I felt someone move up behind me.

  “Something here smells good,” a deep voice purred.

  “Yeah, I love the smell of freshly cut apples too,” I agreed, glancing up into Jeston’s light green eyes. Actually, they were yellow in the middle and green on the edges, like a cat almost. Really cool and rare even.

  “I wasn’t talking about the apples,” he murmured as he moved his hand to my hip and came closer. “I never realized how oblivious you were to my advances, Gilroy. I’m not going to be subtle with you anymore then.”

  “Oh,” I breathed as I faced the apples again, shocked he was not only acting this way but there in the kitchen with Manny around.

  “I love when you come visit my days in the kitchen,” he whispered as he kissed my neck softly, his hands massaging my hips. “Even if you didn’t say a word to me, just you stopping by to brighten my day always made it so much better being stuck in here.”

  “You don’t like to cook?”

  “No, not a fan of making twenty tons of pasta and sauces for the masses every Thursday,” he drawled.

  “I love to cook,” I countered, trying to make my point without hurting his feelings. It was hard though because I really liked what his lips and hands were doing.

  “I can see that.”

  “No, I mean, I stop in the kitchen all the time, Jeston,” I mumbled. “Manny and I are friends.”

  “I know,” he chuckled as his hands moved closer to my groin. “I know you didn’t come to see me. You would have talked to me ever if you were here for me. I’m not dense.”

  Right, duh. “Oh, okay, apparently I am.”

  “No, you’re delicious.” He spun me around so I was still sitting on the stool but my back was against the counter and then he kissed me. I froze, staring up at him as his mouth pressed against mine.

  “Seriously?” Xana snarled from my left. “This is the something special you were working on in here?”

  I pushed at Jeston’s chest and shook my head. “No, Xana, I can explain.”

  “You’re with him? He tried to kill you,” Jeston bitched, narrowing his eyes at me. “Why didn’t you say something?”

  “I don’t know we’re together,” I
answered, my eyes darting to him then. “He’s giving me time but I asked him to have breakfast with me.”

  “And instead you made out with Jeston,” Xana snapped.

  “No, he kissed me and I froze,” I defended as I pulled my knees up to my chest, trying to make myself smaller even on that stool.

  “I was hitting on you before that, Gilroy.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” I whispered, as they both opened their mouths to say more.

  “And you were failing,” Manny snarled as he moved up to me, wrapping an arm around me as he held a butcher’s knife in their direction. “Gilroy was being too nice but he did everything but say back off.” Then he looked at Xana. “And you, don’t be dense. He just told you he froze when Jeston kissed him. Not kissed him back. I bet you’ve already kissed my boy here and he wasn’t ready for it. Did he freeze with you?”

  Xana blinked a moment and shook his head. “No, he kissed me back but then cut it off when it got to be too much.”

  “Then back off him now because it’s too much,” Manny snapped. “The last thing he needs is some tug-of-war game over him! If you both want him, you can both court him if he wants it. He’s not a goddamn chew toy. Anyone who knows Gilroy knows he’s oblivious and not assertive—”

  “Right, because I need even less self-esteem,” I muttered, having liked the backup until then.

  “You have lots of other fine qualities,” Manny chuckled. “Personally, I think there’s way too many top dogs strutting around here. Being the best doesn’t always mean being the most aggressive. I like you just the way you are, kiddo. You just need someone who fits as your other half, and if these two are gonna be stupid about who you are or pressure you when you need support more than anything, then I’m gonna keep looking for you.”

  I blinked at him a moment and then raised an eyebrow. “Do you expect whatever boyfriend you choose for me to wash your car for you too, Uncle Manny?”

  “You guys are related?” Jeston hedged, glancing between us.

  “Nope,” Manny chuckled, ruffling my hair. “But I pretty much adopted this rug rat as mine years and years ago when I caught this scrawny pre-trans raiding the freezer after hours eating all the Chunky Monkey.”