Love's Delusion Page 3

  “Stop thinking of him as your mate,” I muttered as I left the main building and trudged over to the warriors’ dorm. “Your mate wasn’t killed. You were rescued from being taken.” I tripped a step, realizing why it was so hard for me to get past that and see things for how they were to everyone else.

  Because I was the victim then. Either way I suffered a trauma, but I was a victim, even down to how I’d been roofied with Zakasac blood. I would never have had sex with one otherwise! I would rather have died if one came up to me right then and said it was sex or my death.

  That was why clinging to the fact that Winston had mated me and I’d lost that connection was so much easier.

  “I’m dirty,” I whimpered as I raced into the dorm. I headed to my room, hoping someone had left it open, but not really because that was totally not secure… Only to find it locked. I banged on the door like a moron as if that would change anything.

  All my shower supplies were in there.

  Fuck it. I headed to the bathrooms anyway, defeated, still loopy, and confused about everything.

  Next thing I knew I was sitting down in one of the shower stalls with the infirmary scrubs they’d put me in still on, cold water running all over me to wake me up. I didn’t really feel it though. I mean, I knew it was wet, I’d turned it to cold, but I didn’t feel cold.

  “Gilroy?” a deep voice called out sometime during my breakdown. I didn’t say anything, staring at the tiles as if they held the answers to what was wrong with me instead. “Gilroy, answer me if you’re okay otherwise I’m coming in.”

  Still I didn’t, not really caring anymore and too numb to know what was best. I saw Xana come past the curtain, hissing as he caught sight of me. He quickly turned off the water and I started to cry.

  “Talk to me. What’s wrong?”

  “I’m dirty,” I sobbed. “My shower stuff is locked in my room and I’m dirty.” I covered my face, mortified by the admission and that I was crying like a baby to another warrior. “Winston wasn’t really my mate. He was my captor and rapist, wasn’t he? I mean, that’s what everyone was trying to get me to understand. My being willing while drugged is basically the same thing, right?”

  “I wouldn’t deny that,” he hedged. “I don’t know the specifics and legalities, but if you feel you were raped, then that’s your call and I don’t think anyone can say otherwise.”

  “I don’t know,” I whispered, shaking harder. “I loved him. I wanted him. It’s all jumbled in my head.”

  “Helios shouldn’t have used his influence on you so soon after what you’ve been through,” he bitched as he moved his arms under me.

  I smacked at him, completely ineffective in the small space. “No! I’m dirty!”

  He pulled away, his eyes wide. “Do you want to borrow my shower stuff? You’re more than welcome to use it if you promise not to wash up in freezing water, Gilroy. You’re shivering and cold to the touch.”

  “Okay.” He watched me closely a moment and then turned back on the water, checking it with his hand. It felt warm. Maybe that was why I had been numb—my body temp had dropped that low.

  Whoops!

  I sat there, wondering what to do about it all, how I felt about anything or if there was even a starting point to try and process through it. But I didn’t see one. Xana came back and set his shower caddy next to me, and I glanced at it, bobbing my head.

  “You can’t shower yourself, can you?”

  “I don’t know,” I admitted as I tried to stand. I got as far as kneeling after a few tries, panting and exhausted just from that. What was happening to me? “I can sit here and wash.”

  He cleared his throat as he set down the towels he’d brought for me. “Do you want help?”

  “You tried to kill me,” I reminded him.

  “I know.”

  “You planning on doing it again?” I hedged, glancing up at him as I struggled to take off my soaking wet scrub top.

  “No, never, I swear,” he muttered. “I’ll let you bite me and claw me up first, check with everyone that you’re not a Zakasac if I’m too stupid to figure it out before I even think of hurting you again.”

  “That might be excessive.”

  “It’s what I deserve.”

  “Okay,” I agreed after a moment, sitting back on my feet and giving up. I zoned out again, only focusing when I heard a noise and looked over to see Xana standing there in a towel. I studied the giant, all his huge muscles, his short brown hair, chiseled chin, and deep blue eyes. “I wish I was attracted to someone like you.”

  “What?” he gasped, his hand tightening on his towel where he was just about to undo it.

  I shrugged. “I wish I was attracted to someone like you. Maybe I wouldn’t have fallen for Winston’s shit so bad if I’d ever been attracted to someone or knew what a real relationship was like. Only enjoying the fucking after challenges is about as messed up as being drugged to think you loved your captor and were obsessed with them. I wish I was normal and not all screwy inside.”

  “So it’s not me specifically you don’t want?” he muttered as he dropped the towel and squatted down to help me up. My legs were like jelly as he leaned me back against the tiles and undressed me. “You’ve never been attracted to anyone?”

  “No. Never.” He shot me a disbelieving look and I sighed. “I can see you’re nice to look at. I mean, you’re handsome, but I’m just not attracted to you. Like there’s no sparks. I never have sparks.” I let out a tortured chuckle. “I’m spark-less.”

  “I don’t think that,” he argued as he poured some shampoo on my hair and started to work it in. “Maybe you just need more than looks to spark with? There are lots of people like that. Your being cute caught my eye but that’s not only why I felt sparks with you, Gilroy.”

  “So you do like me,” I muttered, not really happy about that. I was pretty sure that complicated things, considering we were naked together… Him showering me… Alone… With me exhausted and incapable of stopping anything.

  Right. Bad.

  “Alexander was right that my computer didn’t need fixing as often as I brought it in. I liked spending time with you. You were nice to me, never treated me like Xana, the big giant idiot, like others do. I always thought you were the sweetest guy here.”

  “You never told me,” I whispered, staring up at him.

  “You didn’t seem interested or were oblivious to my hints that I liked you.”

  “Busy and oblivious,” I said, then realized I should be honest. “Not, not interested. I don’t know. No one’s ever asked me. I’m not sure what I would have said since I don’t feel sparks. Maybe? I mean, I can’t not try forever. But that’s not really fair to do to the other person. I mean, I would have challenged you if you outranked me just so I could lose and you could fuck me. You’re attractive enough for that.”

  He growled and boxed me in against the wall. “You’re making it hard to behave right now.”

  “I was trying to be honest, not be a tease,” I muttered, looking away as the shampoo rinsed out of my hair. “But yeah, I guess you want a thank you for your help, right? Okay.”

  “Okay what?”

  “Take what you want from me.” I shrugged again. “It doesn’t really matter anymore, does it?”

  “Jesus, Gilroy,” he hissed and then suddenly was hugging me. “Your life’s not over. I know you’re upset and hurting but don’t belittle yourself like that. You’re worth more. You deserve better than just letting someone screw you in the shower because they helped you. And for the record, I would never treat you that way.” I nodded, leaning against him. It felt nice to be hugged.

  “Sorry. I didn’t mean to be so insulting to say you would. I’m just all jumbled and confused. Like I can’t figure out what to do. I’m numb, empty, and hurt all at the same time, Xana.”

  “I know. I know you are. We’ll figure this out, okay?”

  I leaned back and looked up at him. “Why help me? Why would you help me if you don�
��t get anything out of it? I’m too screwed up to have anything with and we both know it.”

  He gave me a shy smile as he cupped my cheek, doing something funny to my stomach. “Liking and caring for someone isn’t just about what you get out of being there for them. You do it because you care enough to be there for them even when there’s nothing in it for you.”

  I nodded like I understood as I turned that over in my head. It was a new concept for me. I’d grown up in a family of selfish people where even when they seemed like they weren’t getting something from what they were doing, they were so busy playing the martyr over having to help that I saw that as a perk for sure. Bragging to others that they did the “good” deed didn’t make it selfless… It was the pat on the back they did it for.

  Even in the command center, people bribed us for our help or to put their stuff first. Granted, I never jumped anyone’s stuff in line, though something crashing took priority over a virus update or something, but that never stopped people from trying.

  “If your computer never really needed help, why did you always bring in my favorite treats as a thank you?” I blurted towards the end of the shower.

  “Because I was taking you away from your work when I didn’t even need to just for the excuse to spend time with you,” he muttered, making sure I was rinsed well and then turning off the water.

  “You could have asked me to lunch. I never have anyone to sit with at lunch.”

  “You never take a lunch that’s not at your desk.”

  I shrugged. “Because I never have anyone to sit with. Sometimes I sit with Manny in the kitchen. Most of us eat in the command center because we’re the tech dorks.”

  “I like a tech dork.” He kissed my cheek as he wrapped me in a towel. My skin felt warm from where his lips touched and I sensed my cheeks flush.

  Weird.

  He put on his own towel and I realized only then I’d been too distracted to notice what he was packing between his legs, check him out, or when he’d even washed me anywhere intimate. Man, I really was messed up in the head. What was wrong with me?

  And how did I fix it?

  “You’re supposed to be in the clinic, right?” he asked as he helped me walk out of the bathrooms and down the hall towards our rooms.

  “Yeah, but Roarke’s awake now and I don’t think I can deal with that,” I admitted quietly, hoping I didn’t sound like a selfish ass.

  “I get not wanting to be around craziness when your head’s spinning. You can just crash with me tonight and we’ll figure everything out after you’ve had some sleep.”

  “Thanks,” I whispered, ready to cry again because someone else had a plan. I couldn’t even focus enough for something so simple, my mind and body were so all around used up. He let me inside and I practically collapsed on his oversized, extra-long mattress. How big was that thing? King? California King extended?

  Whatever it was it was the most comfortable bed I’d ever been in.

  “I’m never leaving this bed ever again,” I groaned as I snuggled into it. “This is heaven.”

  “Yeah, I’m a fan,” Xana chuckled. I heard the door close and then he locked it, not even turning on the lights only to have to turn them off again.

  Sleepy time!

  But then I flinched when the bed dipped, and I jumped, meeting his eyes as he knelt on the bed.

  Naked.

  “What are you doing?” I whispered, staring at all of him.

  “Oh, you want me to sleep in the chair. Right, of course you do,” he muttered, his eyebrows furrowing. “Sorry, didn’t think of that with the bed being so big and it’s my room.”

  Yeah, didn’t that make me feel like a first-class prick? “No, of course not,” I lied as I scooted closer to the edge. “There’s more than enough room. I’m sorry. Of course I’m not kicking you out of your own bed. I got distracted and jumpy.”

  “You sure?” he hedged, watching me closely.

  No, not one bit. “Of course.”

  3 Xana

  Gilroy’s in my bed. He’s finally in my bed… And I can’t touch him. It was like a horrible joke and punishment all wrapped up into one. Maybe I should have been a better man and insisted that I sleep in the chair in my room when he freaked out about me getting into bed with him, but I wanted to sleep too!

  And there was no way, at seven feet, I was getting any in that thing. It was just a chair, not overstuffed, not reclining—nothing… But uncomfortable for more than sitting and reading for a bit.

  Staring over at him, his floppy blond hair catching the moonlight creeping in past the curtains like an angel’s, I couldn’t get over how much smaller he was than me. But at seven feet, there weren’t many that I didn’t tower over. He mumbled something in his sleep and turned over, his slim hips moving in a way I was just aching to touch.

  God, he was gorgeous and he had no idea how beautiful he was.

  “No!” he shouted as he pushed up and felt around him.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked, moving closer.

  “He’s gone,” he muttered, blinking as if not sure he was dreaming still or not. “He loved me. I was loved finally. I loved someone.”

  My heart clenched because I knew the truth—I’d glanced at Winston’s journals that Alexander had grabbed. And while Alexander hadn’t thought Gilroy should know what was in them, I knew now that was a bad call.

  “He didn’t, buddy,” I whispered. “It wasn’t real. You were a successful experiment to him.”

  “You can’t know that,” he growled, moving closer as he narrowed his eyes in accusation. “He said I was his favorite. He was kind to me. Showed me tenderness and did things to me—” He shut his mouth so fast I wasn’t surprised that I smelled blood a moment later, thinking he bit his tongue.

  “I showed you tenderness,” I argued as I moved closer, grabbing his wrists in my hands. When he pulled away, I rolled him under me, straddling his body to keep him still. “I did, Gilroy. He wanted to study you and how you’d listen to him after he fed you his blood. You wanting him was a perk and he took advantage of it. I read it in his journal.”

  “No,” he choked out, closing his eyes.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Why do I keep coming back to this? Why do I care? I didn’t even know his last name!” I could see him trying to curl into himself, freaked out about his feelings and reactions. He kept rambling the same thing over and over and again, and I didn’t know what to do as he fought against me, pulling hard enough to hurt himself.

  That was the only excuse I had for kissing him. I swear it was. I lowered my head and pressed my lips to his soft ones. He stopped struggling, his eyes opening to meet mine, but he didn’t move otherwise, lying beneath me and just staring at me.

  At least it worked. I was about to pull away when he sighed against my lips. A happy sigh.

  Then I was an asshole and really kissed him because I wanted to. I slanted my mouth over his and let go of one wrist to cup his cheek. He kissed me back though, his hand moving to my chest, rubbing my skin as he gave as good as he got.

  Well at least until he started shaking uncontrollably.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked as I pulled away, leaning my forehead to his as my breath came out in deep pants.

  “I can’t. I’m sorry. It was really nice and I liked it but I can’t. Please understand,” he begged.

  “No, I get it, I do.” I rolled off him, pulling him up against me and wrapping my arm around him.

  “No, not like this. Winston held me like this,” he sniffled, turning away. I let him go but then he reached back and grabbed my arm, wrapping it over him like a blanket until I turned and spooned him. “Are you mad?”

  “Not at all. Whatever you need, Gilroy,” I assured him, kissing his hair. He nodded and snuggled back against me, falling asleep before I did.

  It wasn’t that I was hard and wanting that kept me awake. It was the fact that I didn’t know what any of this meant. This wasn’t typical crashing with som
eone given we were spooning naked. But after everything he’d been through, I was to assume that was all this was, right?

  I mean, he didn’t like me. He said he didn’t feel sparks with me and wasn’t attracted to me.

  Though he could see I was attractive. Right, that wasn’t confusing. Much more of this and my head was going to explode.

  I finally fell asleep in a slumber that didn’t give me much rest, all the questions on my mind going round and round in my head.

  And it didn’t help when I woke up alone.

  * * * *

  Gilroy never brought up what happened between us, so I didn’t push it. I did however make one hell of a fuss with Helios about Gilroy’s reaction to his gift and that Gilroy shouldn’t be questioned again like that at least until he had some of the confusion from what the Zakasacs did to him handled.

  Helios totally agreed and assured me not to worry that he had everything under control going forward and not to concern myself with it. Most people might have thought me stupid but even I knew when I was getting the brush-off.

  Fuck him. What happened with Gilroy concerned me very much. Especially since I didn’t think it had been handled well so far.

  The day after Gilroy snuck out of my bed, Alexander came to see me on my guard shift at the gate… And he wasn’t happy.

  “Did you tell Gilroy that he was an experiment to Winston?”

  “Yes.”

  Anger swarmed Alexander’s eyes. “I told you not to tell anyone what you saw in that journal, especially Gilroy. Why would you directly disobey me like that, Xana? I’ve never known you to be so blatantly disrespectful of my authority.”

  “I’m sorry you feel this had something to do with you, Alexander,” I bit out, standing as I adjusted my neck. “But it didn’t. I made a judgment call. You weren’t there when he broke down about finally being loved and feeling empty because the first person to ever love him was gone even if it was a Zakasac. He had a right to know!”